When I was pregnant with Britain, it really wasn't all that bad. It was a great pregnancy, actually. It's not the reason why I'm through with having children. SHE'S not even the reason why. I'm just through. I've raised the 5 girls I nanny over the last 10 years, so she feels like my 6th. And I'm content with one (6). I want to give her everything I can, and since I haven't won the lottery (yet), that's kind of limited. But I'm doing the very best I can, and so far she is a delightful, energetic, and brilliant baby. She has earned the nickname "The Politician" because she works the room everywhere she goes. I'm content that it couldn't be any better.
Then last night happened.
I had a lot of diet coke this weekend...Some with rum, some with ice, some with lime. I had really started to wean myself off and didn't really ever drink it except if I was out to a fast food place and that has also been rare lately. So I thought my horrible gas pains last night stemmed from too much carbonation. I was doubled over and felt like I was going to vomit. Finally I sat on the pot and tried to go.
And soon it was apparent that it was not gas pains at all but rather uterine/menstrual cramping. I know this may be hard to believe but I've never felt cramps until last night. During labor, I believe I only experienced back labor because I can't remember pain in my abdominal region. And they thought I was crazy during my stress tests while I was pregnant because apparently I was contracting but couldn't feel it. When I asked other mothers who had already went through labor what contractions felt like, they referenced "the worst cramps you've ever had". Um, thanks.
I try not to be a vulgar person. Really! (except with Kristen). I won't go into too much detail. But what came out of me was not from my colon and it was not brown. It was dark red with somewhat grey matter.
I called Matt down to make sure I wasn't crazy, and to get me a bucket since by that time I was REALLY nauseous. I'm pretty sure it was a miscarriage. I've never had one before, to the best of my knowledge but I've went through them with other people. It explained the fatigue I'd been feeling over the weekend that I'd just chalked up to traveling. I took a three hour nap which hasn't happened since the first few months of my pregnancy. And unfortunately, early miscarriages are common with the birth control I'm on.
I went to bed with 1000 mg of Tylenol and a little regret for something that might have been.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Miss Co-dependent
I'm a big giver of advice...Some people even ASK me first. In all honesty, right behind having all the secrets in my group of close friends I also am the one they come to for advice. It's a strange responsibility, really. And I guess if I were a super hero, this would be my power, lame as it is. I am able to see what might be defective or just plain fucking wrong in someone's life or situation. And to combat that, I would never spill the beans that they came to me for advice or why.
I was talking to one of the young ones recently about puberty and how being a girl has its drawbacks, but also great power. We aren't the ones who have to go through the sweaty palms before asking someone to dance (granted, we could if we chose to but normally it's up to the opposite sex...Especially in Junior High). She was under the assumption that being a boy was so much easier. I, of course, didn't get into erections over the slightest wind gust.
Yesterday, I was giving my good friend advice about her relationship and the one-sided ways of her partner. I told her I KNEW she was strong enough to stand on her own, that her back up plan probably had a back up plan, but that she should deal with this thing head on instead of running away from it all to see if he comes back to her. She said she'd try not to hold back the next time they discussed (had a huge fight about) something. She told me she was going to lay it all out there no matter how he may react. She said she was going to start thinking about herself just a little more.
But looking back on these two situations, I wonder if I really practice what I preach. I think about how wonderfully easy it might be to have a penis or how lost I would be without Matt. And how I would certainly offer anything to him first (from sex to strawberry pie) if it meant pleasing him and not necessarily myself.
I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow with Matt's mother and Britain. We are staying with his Aunt until Tuesday for his cousin's wedding shower. It will be the first time in almost three years that Matt and I will not see each other every day. I'm kind of scared. I picture myself all lonely in the corner texting him how much I miss him. And I won't know that many people besides his mother and grandmother. His Aunt and his cousin (a sister of the one having the shower) I've only met once. And I've been warned it will be a whirlwind of family and new personalities. So I feel a little hypocritical...Like most days.
I was talking to one of the young ones recently about puberty and how being a girl has its drawbacks, but also great power. We aren't the ones who have to go through the sweaty palms before asking someone to dance (granted, we could if we chose to but normally it's up to the opposite sex...Especially in Junior High). She was under the assumption that being a boy was so much easier. I, of course, didn't get into erections over the slightest wind gust.
Yesterday, I was giving my good friend advice about her relationship and the one-sided ways of her partner. I told her I KNEW she was strong enough to stand on her own, that her back up plan probably had a back up plan, but that she should deal with this thing head on instead of running away from it all to see if he comes back to her. She said she'd try not to hold back the next time they discussed (had a huge fight about) something. She told me she was going to lay it all out there no matter how he may react. She said she was going to start thinking about herself just a little more.
But looking back on these two situations, I wonder if I really practice what I preach. I think about how wonderfully easy it might be to have a penis or how lost I would be without Matt. And how I would certainly offer anything to him first (from sex to strawberry pie) if it meant pleasing him and not necessarily myself.
I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow with Matt's mother and Britain. We are staying with his Aunt until Tuesday for his cousin's wedding shower. It will be the first time in almost three years that Matt and I will not see each other every day. I'm kind of scared. I picture myself all lonely in the corner texting him how much I miss him. And I won't know that many people besides his mother and grandmother. His Aunt and his cousin (a sister of the one having the shower) I've only met once. And I've been warned it will be a whirlwind of family and new personalities. So I feel a little hypocritical...Like most days.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
If I Just Lay Here
I can't sleep but I'm so spent. And I don't feel like posting about Britain's birthday
...because it was draining
...and because it reminds me of how much of my savings is gone
...and that she isn't my little baby anymore.
So instead I'll leave you with Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" lyrics in which I picture a video of Matt and I lying in the rain instead of their version (though beautiful as well)
...because I can't sleep
...because I can't stop listening to the acoustic version and the doubts in my head.
...because I need a good cry and an even better cup of Sleepytime Tea.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
...because it was draining
...and because it reminds me of how much of my savings is gone
...and that she isn't my little baby anymore.
So instead I'll leave you with Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" lyrics in which I picture a video of Matt and I lying in the rain instead of their version (though beautiful as well)
...because I can't sleep
...because I can't stop listening to the acoustic version and the doubts in my head.
...because I need a good cry and an even better cup of Sleepytime Tea.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Monday, July 03, 2006
Tam Geddes
Matt and I are getting all ready for Britain's big bash this weekend. How great is it that she was born on a Friday last year so she can celebrate her ACTUAL first birthday this year? I can't believe how much my life has changed since she's arrived. And I couldn't imagine life without her. She's pure joy.
While my father was putting in a new garage door for us and I was done hanging patio lights, I decided to snap a few pictures. I stopped counting how many petals I had to remove from her mouth.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Posting My Secrets Again
Well, it's that time again. Although I don't have nearly as many as the first time, I am letting a few more secrets of mine into your life. Again, these are from my blog that nobody reads, therefore I am free to say what I wish. Overanalyze them as you will. Afterall, they are probably about you.
"Sometimes, it feels like I'm going through life with my eyes closed. I'm feeling around, trying to figure out how close I am to the coffee table before I bang my fucking knee."
"If you're going to talk shit on me and my family, don't sit there and drink the punch we've offered...Not when you'd rather just throw it in our face. At least there'd be an ounce of honesty in that."
"All you seem to notice in other people are the flaws you have in yourself. I don't trust you. I can't stand you. I don't want you so close. And now he has become your own little disappearing act. And I can't hang out with him unless I hang out with you."
"I don't understand how one moment can be breath taking, euphoric even, a scene out of a goddamned movie, while the very next I'm wishing I was somewhere else...Anywhere else."
"Sometimes, it feels like I'm going through life with my eyes closed. I'm feeling around, trying to figure out how close I am to the coffee table before I bang my fucking knee."
"If you're going to talk shit on me and my family, don't sit there and drink the punch we've offered...Not when you'd rather just throw it in our face. At least there'd be an ounce of honesty in that."
"All you seem to notice in other people are the flaws you have in yourself. I don't trust you. I can't stand you. I don't want you so close. And now he has become your own little disappearing act. And I can't hang out with him unless I hang out with you."
"I don't understand how one moment can be breath taking, euphoric even, a scene out of a goddamned movie, while the very next I'm wishing I was somewhere else...Anywhere else."
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Nice Day For A...
The wedding was really nice. It was like most weddings I attend. I wasn't late but somehow felt like everyone else was there before me. Monica said "I do" without too much hesitation. My sister Theresa kept making "honeymoon night" jokes. My cousin Steve and my brother Steve got trashed. I caught the bouquet. Somebody had hard feelings. 
Somebody danced with me that was very married. The bride and groom won the 50/50. I had to watch someone I would never/could never kiss totally make out with their new spouse. There were kleenex. There's no way they'd charge you 15 bucks a plate for spaghetti and potatoes anywhere else but a reception. There were shots. There was a dorky DJ. There was love.
But most of all, there were flasks.
Congratulations to my new sister, my little brother and my very adorable niece. We love you all. 
My nephew Hunter who didn't understand the meaning of "usher". Most of us sat in the nosebleed section.
Cheap date.
Every male in this photo (besides Matt and my brother) are my cousins. That's why I could take YOU!
Periwinkle is pimp.
"Weren't there more cards than this?"
See those nails? That explains it. I washed the blood off before the picture.
Somebody danced with me that was very married. The bride and groom won the 50/50. I had to watch someone I would never/could never kiss totally make out with their new spouse. There were kleenex. There's no way they'd charge you 15 bucks a plate for spaghetti and potatoes anywhere else but a reception. There were shots. There was a dorky DJ. There was love.But most of all, there were flasks.
Congratulations to my new sister, my little brother and my very adorable niece. We love you all. 
My nephew Hunter who didn't understand the meaning of "usher". Most of us sat in the nosebleed section.Cheap date.Every male in this photo (besides Matt and my brother) are my cousins. That's why I could take YOU!Periwinkle is pimp.
"Weren't there more cards than this?"See those nails? That explains it. I washed the blood off before the picture.
Friday, June 23, 2006
No Molestar
Is anyone else really disgusted with Blogger?
Here are the pictures I tried posting three weeks ago of my soon to be sister-in-law Monica and her daughter Kaitlyn. She and my brother tie the knot this Saturday. We went out for her bacherlorette party last Friday. Britain had decided to wake me up at 5 am earlier that morning so by the time last call came around, I was half asleep on the patio furniture outside one bar looking really wasted instead of old and tired. I think Monica is rethinking what she's actually marrying into.
Here are the pictures I tried posting three weeks ago of my soon to be sister-in-law Monica and her daughter Kaitlyn. She and my brother tie the knot this Saturday. We went out for her bacherlorette party last Friday. Britain had decided to wake me up at 5 am earlier that morning so by the time last call came around, I was half asleep on the patio furniture outside one bar looking really wasted instead of old and tired. I think Monica is rethinking what she's actually marrying into.
Shallow As It Seems
Attractive: wit, great eyes, huge sexual appetite, a skeleton in a closet, knows a lot of 80's music, is nice to the wait staff, gets my jokes, can teach me a thing or two.
Unattractive: a beer belly, a wife beater (the one that used to be white but is now a barbecue sauce enhanced pink with an armpit stained brown piping), judgmental, cocky, tells you what kind of car they drive before how many siblings they have, overemotional.
Good Movie: something I'd buy and watch over and over, something I'd recommend, something I'd see full price with NO ONE on opening night in a packed theater. (Example: Go)
Bad Movie: Not even if they were showing it for free on a rainy afternoon and I didn't have an umbrella while my skin was more like a sponge and just collected every last drop of water and all the buildings/shelters were demolished. Example: Crossroads
On A Good Day: I'm cracking (good) jokes left and right making everyone laugh around me, I find a twenty in my pants, I meet my brother Ralphie whom I've never met, I get lost in the woods for an hour with nothing but my converse and my MP3 player and come out at a crossing with a giant waterfall, I get a letter from an old, dear friend, I'm hugged and kissed more than I hug and kiss, my pap test comes back free and clear, Canada decides to grant me citizenship, we win an all inclusive honeymoon, I'm awake early and out all night, my parents call just to say hi, Kohls is running a huge sale and I write poetry or an excerpt that is actually published.
On A Not So Good Day: I lose my engagement ring, I forget Britain in the car, I learn someone hates me just because of the way I am, they stop making 3 Musketeers Bars and Berry Blossom Teen Spirit, I get fired because I really fuck up, Matt decides he's better off without me, my friends don't see it my way and lose my phone number, the power is out and I'm all alone at 10 pm, I lose my hearing except for the country music song that plays over and over in my head, and my house catches fire when I'm on the second floor, asleep with no way out.
Unattractive: a beer belly, a wife beater (the one that used to be white but is now a barbecue sauce enhanced pink with an armpit stained brown piping), judgmental, cocky, tells you what kind of car they drive before how many siblings they have, overemotional.
Good Movie: something I'd buy and watch over and over, something I'd recommend, something I'd see full price with NO ONE on opening night in a packed theater. (Example: Go)
Bad Movie: Not even if they were showing it for free on a rainy afternoon and I didn't have an umbrella while my skin was more like a sponge and just collected every last drop of water and all the buildings/shelters were demolished. Example: Crossroads
On A Good Day: I'm cracking (good) jokes left and right making everyone laugh around me, I find a twenty in my pants, I meet my brother Ralphie whom I've never met, I get lost in the woods for an hour with nothing but my converse and my MP3 player and come out at a crossing with a giant waterfall, I get a letter from an old, dear friend, I'm hugged and kissed more than I hug and kiss, my pap test comes back free and clear, Canada decides to grant me citizenship, we win an all inclusive honeymoon, I'm awake early and out all night, my parents call just to say hi, Kohls is running a huge sale and I write poetry or an excerpt that is actually published.
On A Not So Good Day: I lose my engagement ring, I forget Britain in the car, I learn someone hates me just because of the way I am, they stop making 3 Musketeers Bars and Berry Blossom Teen Spirit, I get fired because I really fuck up, Matt decides he's better off without me, my friends don't see it my way and lose my phone number, the power is out and I'm all alone at 10 pm, I lose my hearing except for the country music song that plays over and over in my head, and my house catches fire when I'm on the second floor, asleep with no way out.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
This Sounds Like An Email
Hey friends (and people I don't know that are reading my blog, and enemies that are reading my blog just to laugh when something tragic happens to me),
This week has been crazy. I took Britain in Monday to check her urine. "This House Is Cleeeahhrr". She's all better. The demon has left her soul. I wasn't really worried about the fever so much as WHY she had the fever. Her urinary tract infections can lead to kidney infections rather quickly, so it wasn't just a regular fever. Normally, I don't even reach for the Tylenol/Ibu unless her temp is at least 101. I'm not so much for the medicine. I think I've personally been to the doctor twice (once for an STD scare and the other because I "accidentally" swallowed some antifreeze). SDC Unfortunately, after her appointment on the way down the steps to the car, I stepped on my ankle wrong and fell (only one step left). It wasn't so much my ankle but the muscles in my foot from my toes to my ankle. I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever walk again because for a good 3 minutes, I had no feeling whatsoever in my foot. Thankfully I didn't drop Britain but the diaper bag contents went EVERYWHERE. Also it was convenient for me that the office was entirely empty. When I finally got feeling back, I hobbled to the car and was thankful that it wasn't my driving foot. Day 4 and it still hurts a little, but no major damage.
Well, here comes my little brother's wedding on the 24th. I still can picture him in his Transformers costume on Halloween with his squeaky voice telling me I stole some of his candy. Now he'll be a married man, a step-father, and he and his bride-to-be Monica are planning to start trying for their own new little one (in the limo?). On top of all that, they closed on their house Friday. So not only are they worrying about groomsmen's gifts and seating arrangements, they are also knee high in grout and drywall. And the last I heard, they were intending on moving next weekend! That is a WEEK before their wedding. (Pictures of Monica and their daughter Kaitlyn to come later, when I'm not at work.) UPDATE: Blogger is uncooperative when it comes to pictures, editing or anything else that would make a post more attractive.
So with a wedding comes a diet. I'm back on my high fiber, much water, low fat, no exercise diet. I've lost a few pounds so far but the baby belly, I'm aware, will never leave. Have you ever looked at yourself naked? Sometimes I feel bad for Matt...not only because he went from his mother's cooking to mine, but because I HAVE looked at myself in the mirror naked. And what happened to my butt?
This week has been crazy. I took Britain in Monday to check her urine. "This House Is Cleeeahhrr". She's all better. The demon has left her soul. I wasn't really worried about the fever so much as WHY she had the fever. Her urinary tract infections can lead to kidney infections rather quickly, so it wasn't just a regular fever. Normally, I don't even reach for the Tylenol/Ibu unless her temp is at least 101. I'm not so much for the medicine. I think I've personally been to the doctor twice (once for an STD scare and the other because I "accidentally" swallowed some antifreeze). SDC Unfortunately, after her appointment on the way down the steps to the car, I stepped on my ankle wrong and fell (only one step left). It wasn't so much my ankle but the muscles in my foot from my toes to my ankle. I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever walk again because for a good 3 minutes, I had no feeling whatsoever in my foot. Thankfully I didn't drop Britain but the diaper bag contents went EVERYWHERE. Also it was convenient for me that the office was entirely empty. When I finally got feeling back, I hobbled to the car and was thankful that it wasn't my driving foot. Day 4 and it still hurts a little, but no major damage.
Well, here comes my little brother's wedding on the 24th. I still can picture him in his Transformers costume on Halloween with his squeaky voice telling me I stole some of his candy. Now he'll be a married man, a step-father, and he and his bride-to-be Monica are planning to start trying for their own new little one (in the limo?). On top of all that, they closed on their house Friday. So not only are they worrying about groomsmen's gifts and seating arrangements, they are also knee high in grout and drywall. And the last I heard, they were intending on moving next weekend! That is a WEEK before their wedding. (Pictures of Monica and their daughter Kaitlyn to come later, when I'm not at work.) UPDATE: Blogger is uncooperative when it comes to pictures, editing or anything else that would make a post more attractive.
So with a wedding comes a diet. I'm back on my high fiber, much water, low fat, no exercise diet. I've lost a few pounds so far but the baby belly, I'm aware, will never leave. Have you ever looked at yourself naked? Sometimes I feel bad for Matt...not only because he went from his mother's cooking to mine, but because I HAVE looked at myself in the mirror naked. And what happened to my butt?
Friday, June 02, 2006
Pray FOR Me
I realize I've been pretty non-existant lately. Not only did I start back to work full time for the summer, but Britain and I, along with my sister Michelle, spent Memorial Day in the ER. Her fever was 103 and actually INCREASED with Tylenol. It was an ordeal to say the least but 5 1/2 hours later they diagnosed her with another urinary tract infection and gave her a prescription for an anitbiotic. A big thank you, Michelle, for sacrificing your holiday when you could have been honoring the troops. Thankfully, we caught up on some old episodes of What Not To Wear. Eventually we stopped checking her temperature and just started asking Brit how high it was. She then would communicate to us by putting her hands over her head. "Soooooo high!" Britain, Matt and I were BACK in the ER the very next day, after many cool baths, doses of Tylenol and Ibuprophen, and some throwing up. Her temp was 104 and wasn't budging. They gave her Tylenol where I never want Tylenol to go again and gave her an anitbiotic booster in her leg. It seemed to do the trick and she's on her way to recovery, I think. We have an appointment with her specialist Monday when we'll know more on the specimen they took. My Grandmother said she'd pray FOR me, so I think it will all work out.
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