Look What I Can Do!

Wouldn't it be cool if we were ALL this flexible? I personally don't have much to report except that the poor little thing now has been diagnosed with Vesicoureteral Reflux. It means that while she's trying to push her pee out, it wants to stay where it is and causes all sorts of problems in the kidney/bladder region. The good news is, we now understand why she's so damn moody sometimes. Ahh, my poor little Zhukah. (pronounced zoo-kah) The bad news is my brother JR had to hear about his neice's disorder on the internet.

Her come hither look.
Seven months on the eighth! Alright, I realize I'm biased but c'mon. I think SHE knows just how adorable she is as well.Here she is giving a gang symbol. EAST SYYYIIIDDDE!

Umm, Eww

So there's this kitten named Cy. He only had one day to live. You know what he chose to do? Hang out on this dirty blanket. If I only had one day to live, I wouldn't just be chillin' in Oregon somewhere. They are saying this is all authentic and such but don't kittens have their eyes closed for at least a few days? Just a thought.

And could we get a better name? Cmon, one of you has to come up with something a little more creative. What would you have named the noseless wonder?

Canadian's American Idol

I'm just as much a fan of American Idol as the next Reality TV watcher, but do they really need this much air time for the preliminary auditions? Its sucking up all my TIVO. Granted there are some great losers: (All pictures taken from TVGasm)


WTF?








This kid had a great idea for his own cleaning business. He actually attempted to say "entrepreneur" on air at least 5 times before he got it right. "Come home. Your food and house will smell like paradise! That's our slogan. And, uh, it takes me a minute to kind of get that out because it's kind of a tongue twister, and that's the way I wanted it to be." Flawless! No, seriously, that was his name. This dude had matching pants as well. And two other outfits, same style but in different colors. He reminds me so much of my best friend's boyfriend, its scary.



Queen of the double take. "People confuse me for a girl a lot of the time, which I think is so funny." Pure genius was when they played "The Crying Game" at the end of poor Zach's audition.


This chick on the left was pissed when the judges hadn't moved her on to the next round...So pissed that she was still ranting when "Miss Yellow Slip" on the right came out all ecstatic. "I actually heard her sing, and I don't think she was that good." Then she challenges Yellow to a sing off! Pissed chick goes first and we realize why they (probably ALL) said no. Then Yellow gives her an up and down and turns right to the camera smiling: "The proof is in the paper!" It was the biggest snap I've ever seen. BUT THE BEST PART was Pissed Off's face after Miss Yellow walked off.

You might be thinking you're looking at a Dove Soap "which one's the mother, which one's the daughter" commercial, but no! Meet Crystal (my next daughter's name) and her Coach bag. I can't even describe how idiotic this girl (on the right) was. Simon asked her THREE times about her tan before she stopped rambling on and on about how the entertainment business is, like, her life and stuff. Finally she answered "Oh yeah. I go tanning." Ummm I'm thinking its a little more than tanning. Someone found a bunch of Nutrogena self tanner on clearance and filled up the damn bath tub with it. *Shiver* I just found my next costume for Kristen and Ray's next Opposites Party.

Meet Rhonetta. I can't say I don't have a pair of similar foot wear, but I can say I haven't flashed my hoo hoo to America while doing a spin kick in a mini skirt (while I was sober, at least). Rhonetta has done this and so much more. If you missed this audition, I don't know if I feel sorry for you or envy you. I am a changed woman because of it. This beast just went on and on about how big of a mistake the judges made, especially Paula. "Paula AAABdule ain't got shit on me!" I agree. I'm thinking America's Choice!


There were only a few that stuck out in my mind that I thought deserved it and were there for the right reasons:

Garet is one of my favorites. He's only spoken to a hand full of people in his lifetime, coming from a town in Wisconsin with a population of FOUR. You expect him to be all geeky and anti-social like those home schooled kids you see at the public library on their once a month field trip. But he was cool, for a kid in a cowboy hat...Who sings to his turkey...who had ONLY sung to his turkey before auditioning. I don't care, I still like him.


My favorite pick so far is the 16 year old named Paris (its a shame I don't have a picture because she's so damn cute) with great lineage (her Grandmother is Ann Nesby from Sounds Of Blackness) that appeared Wednesday night. Although you can tell she's been schooled (what with the smile-as-you-sing type face) you don't give a shit because she's that good. My prediction: Top 3!

Harve' Who?

I'm going to pretend I knew exactly what I was doing and just how much of a steal I got when I purchased this lovely jacket by Harve' Benard for 25 bucks! And since it was the only one left in the store (I know because I was on my hands and knees in the aisles and under racks), a size 6 had to do. I realize the experts on What Not To Wear always say your jacket should be able to close, but I think they'd be with me on this. Envy me.

AAAACHOOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone around me is sick. My mother checked into the hospital today for pneumonia (Get Well Soon, Mom). Matt and I ran Brit to the ER Saturday for a chest xray (found slight pneumonia and her bron-chio-li-tis is back). The girls I nanny are spewing yellowish green mucus from many orifices. And I'm carrying around an industrial sized bottle of Purel.

This morning, I'm standing in the bathroom with Britain, shower running, hot water on all the way, trying to steam out what ever liquid has filled her lungs. When her breathing didn't improve, off we were to the doctor's office for a breathing treatment. They ended up sending us home with the machine so we could do follow up treatments. I've been in the damn doctor's office every week for over a month with her. I'm afraid people are going to start to think I have Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome.

"Maybe if you didn't work as a nanny, she wouldn't be so sick." No, there aren't ANY germs anywhere else, like the grocery store, the public library, the fucking doctor's office I take her to when she needs her shots, letting YOU hold her.

"Make sure those kids wash their hands when they get home." Yeah because I haven't been making them wash their germ infested hands when they get home for YEARS, as if I didn't know what the hell I was doing before now. Its been almost ten years. If I haven't caught on thus far, I should have had OCY called on me a long time ago.

"Its because you didn't breastfeed." Ok, that one is from the voices in MY head. Being a mom, you feel so damn responsible for every little thing that happens to your child. And yes, there is a horrible, guilty, little part of me that feels like a failure for being mammorically challenged.

I realize Britain was three weeks early, but what is all this sickness about? I can't even remember when she didn't have something wrong with her. From jaundice to conjuctivitis, it seems this little chick catches anything within a five mile radius. I'm surprised she hasn't contracted my cat's worms. And when someone that young has an illness, it is the most pitiful thing in the world. She just whimpers and looks up at you as if she's saying, "What the hell did I do to deserve this?". On top of teething, diaper rash and shitting yourself periodically, being sick must suck ass for a baby.

Don't stare at me when my baby coughs and sounds like a donkey in heat. Don't blame me if my kid looked your way and now your child sounds similar. And if your kid was sick before mine, its cool. Don't apologize! Children get sick. There's this nasty thing called the common cold. And we all get it...Young, old, smart, stupid and ignorant alike. We all have stared at a green light because we really shouldn't be driving while hopped up on Sudafed. We all have wiped snot on our sleeve because we ran out of tissues, napkins, paper towels, toilet paper and newspaper. And we all will more than likely be doing it again next flu season. So either accept it or get in a plastic bubble and pray for daylight.

In Joy And In Sorrow

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."


Many condolences, much love.

Playing Innocent

You'd never know just a half hour before, Britain managed to poop and pee on the couch in the matter of time it took me to get a diaper and her outfit.

See, I started to change her diaper and realized I forgot to grab a new one first. Being the experienced child care technician I am, I placed her old diaper open underneath her. She, being the expert as well, pooped right next to it along with a big beautiful puddle.

In a few years, I can see Brit calling up Child Welfare and faking a bruise just because I wouldn't get her the toy she wanted.

Gay Night Out

We started off at The Zone. It was only a dollar cover. For some reason, I thought they weren't going to let us in and somehow knew we weren't really lesbians because the bouncer gave us what felt like the third degree. I was waiting for a knife.



considering the small cover, it wasn't too upsetting when we decided 5 minutes later that we'd try Trance, the better gay bar in Erie. Before we left and finished our one and only drink, I thought the walls were a great place for pictures.


And poor Christie had never had her Senior portraits taken, so I decided it was a great opportunity to make up for it here.

Kristen had enough. The only problem was we had to face the bouncer again since there was no other way out.

He asked why we were leaving so soon. We told him it was his fault. He thought we might change our minds if he threatened Christie's life.

We didn't.



We moved on to Trance.







We tried to emulate the joy in our bones.

Shot #1

Shot #2

The damn shot dude was like a vulture, I tell you.

Then we were ready to get our freak on!

Here we have an adorable lesbian couple who you could tell were very in love with each other. Although they pulled that whole Ray and Kristen, matching outfits thing.

Then the beautiful Jeniffer comes over and wants a slice of Christie pie.

Kristen and Christie's girl on girl action.

Christie's girl on girl action with me.

Just as Dave thinks the thumbs up pose is cool, Kristen still thinks cigarettes look sexy

I still think straws are sexy.

But not as sexy as this!

Christie got all the play. I was asked to dance by the only straight guy there. And Kristen looked beautiful in every fucking picture. We all had a great time.