I Watch It Every Time Its On Cable

(Possibly the worst poem ever used in a movie) "These things are good: ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun, shining on my face."


I found this site while trying to find the poem from The Mask with Cher. Its pretty entertaining, especially on a Monday morning.

R.E.M.

I've been having the strangest dreams lately. A few weeks back, there was a "horrible" tornado (that was barely a foot high) that killed off most of my town, including Matt and Britain. The strangest part was all I could think about was how I'd have to start all over and find another family.

Then, a few nights later I had a dream I was visiting Kristen and Ray. We were all making dinner in the kitchen and Ray stepped out (to poop or something) and Kristen gives me that "we need to talk" look. "Ray's pregnant!" It was true. Ray got knocked up. And now Kristen was going to be stuck raising it. She sobbed uncontrollably and I didn't know what to say to console her.

Last night, the strange dreams continued. I dreamt that Tom and Katie had a house here in Erie. (Katie's parents are actually from Toledo, Ohio but in my dream they had a house right next to Pat Monahan's family.) So, I showed up for an interview because they needed a nanny. The house was much cozier than I'd expected. And Kat had no idea what she was doing! She tried giving the poor baby the nipple upside down and asked me for help changing its diaper. I didn't even wait for them to hire me. I just started working for them out of sheer pity. Leave it to me to not even negotiate my salary first!

EmoGrrl27

So I, loser with no alternate plans, had to work over the weekend. I brought Britain with me because Matt went out for the first time in 3 years. The girls were awesome and actually went to bed with NO hassles. So, after Brit went to sleep herself, I was left to my own devices. I'm not really sure how many of you actually watch live TV on Saturday nights, but it blows. Even with HBO, it blows. So there I was stuck watching Celebrity Cooking Showdown on NBC. Unfortunately (SDC) I had missed the first few shows and only caught the finale...And got to see who was crowned "master of the kitchen". Um, the choices were Miss America, leather face (Cindy Margolis) and the chick from OTown. So, really why did I continue to watch? This seemed to be the theme of the night: "Why am I still watching this?" After that, it was Law And Order (enter sound effect here). The first five minutes kept me intrigued because Elizabeth Berkley was a special guest (When I wake up in the morning, my alarm...) and Annabella Sciorra looked as if she just celebrated her 90th birthday. And by the way... So, the story is pretty bad and yet, its 45 minutes into the show and I haven't even moved. Finally, after realizing I'm watching the news and becoming current on events (the horror!) I switch over to WB because in fifteen minutes, there was to be two really great half hours of Yes Dear, or something equally as shitty. I just had to get through the last half of the "to be announced" show, which I assumed was either going to be an infomercial or a really long commercial about BAM Easy Off oven cleaner. I was wrong.

It started out with Britain's doppleganger. He had all her features except that this little guy was at least 18 months. He was in a hospital bed so right away, I assumed it was a fundraiser type thing. Just then, St. Jude's number pops up on the screen. His name was Ben. He did cute little things like call giraffe's "jawavs" and told you where his ears were. Then his father starts narrating. "Ben will start hitting his head over and over from the pain and in the middle of all of it, he'll look at you with the biggest smile." Then they went on about how he had a brain tumor and how he was going through chemotherapy because they couldn't use radiation on him because of his age. As if that weren't enough (and I hadn't went through a box of tissues already) they then went back to the father as he said, "Ben is dying. We are just getting in all the time and love we can from him because once the medicine stops working, he'll slip away."

Well, at that point my boss comes home and probably wondered what the hell the girls had put me through that night. It wasn't TOO embarrassing, but I honestly couldn't stop sobbing for a bit. As I was explaining what I was watching, they ended his story with his outcome: his mother was holding him while he passed away and his father, big brother and grandparents were all in the room with him. UGGHHH!

It really made me appreciate how lucky Matt and I are that Britain is healthy and happy and that we'll more than likely see her through many, many events in her life. It made me think of my Grandfather (lately, a lot has) and how he left this world. And it just made me feel unusually gifted in general that I am living the life I am.

And that I got paid.

Silly Rabbit

Until Britain can pick out her own clothes, she is stuck with what I put her in. Here she is on Easter.

Gina And A Bottle

Kristen and I started getting ready to go out around 7. I crafted my hairstyle after watching A Super Sweet Sixteen Marathon on MTV that afternoon. And Kristen DID NOT opt for the two bun! We made Ray our Cinderella and do little things for us like fetching bobby pins and cleaning the bathroom when we were through. We were all ready to go on time. Kristen and I planned on meeting Gina at 9:30 Saturday night at this gay bar, which in actuality, it was a mini-bar, a major bar and a tiny room where they sold candles and sour patch kids (because people are bringing their children?). And they are open until 3 am. We followed our gaydar and had no problems finding the place, although not so much luck finding parking.

Some of you may ask, "Tam why do you always go to gay bars when you go out?" Actually, I don't: only when I'm out with Kristen. But there are lots of advantages to going to a gay bar. There are a lot less rules. There isn't some drunk dude rubbing his junk all up in your trunk, in which I have to start throwing ice from my drink at him. (Dave, I know you can appreciate THAT one.) There is usually a really great surprise or unbelievable thing that happens before the night is over. But most importantly, I always have more fun hanging out with homosexuals. They are good people, extremely accepting, and will tell me if my bag doesn't go with my shoes.

So we get there and Gina is waiting. She is even more adorable in person. And she has this slight underbite thing I've always loved. (I lack in the jaw/chin department and if ever I was to go under the knife, it would be for chin implants). I felt comfortable with her right away, especially since the third word she ever said to me was "fucking".

We started drinking in the mini-bar because the major bar hadn't opened yet. When you ask for shots at this place, apparently they think you mean half the bottle, but no matter! We knew we might want to slow it down when Jay Leno's bit on a talking camera machine came on the video screens and we all almost fell out of our chairs. Finally, the main bar opened up (thanks for covering my cover, Gina!) and we picked a booth way up top. We knew there would be a drag show a little later and wanted a comfy seat. I originally hadn't brought my camera in, but I decided to go get it after all the drinking and whatnot. Here are some "already toasty" shots:

Finally, the drag show started. I decided not to post a lot of the pictures I took, mainly because the girls I nanny sometimes frequent this site and although they can't read most of the text, they can certainly see pictures and wouldn't understand what a naked drag queen was. Let's just say, we got a lot for our 3 dollar cover.

After the show, the stage opened up and everyone started dancing. It was a great time, although we are officially old because we left by 12:30.

When I we got back, Kristen made me eggs and toast and I called Matt and told him I missed him and I loved him and blagvh esdfh soo much. I went to sleep with the Super Sweet Sixteen theme song dancing in my head.

Poetic Waxing

Saturday morning, I couldn't sleep. I guess I was too excited? I awoke at 6am, layed in bed, just thinking about all the shit I had to drag to Cleveland that morning. I wanted to miss the usual Saturday afternoon traffic and made a goal to leave by 8. I hopped in the car, bagel in mouth, and was on the road by 7:15.

I called Kristen on the way. We chatted about who had more horrible drivers, Ohio or PA? We spoke a little about Ray's new news. And we got into the conversation about child rearing do's and do not's before entering a bad service area. I made it there in record time and was able to take Kristen to her 8:45 hair and eyebrow wax.

"You realize this will probably take more than an hour?" Kristen said this as we are pulling up to the place and there really wasn't a way out. I "dropped" her off and walked up the street for some morning brew (coffee-like drink for her, chai for me). It was so damn cold I'm glad I didn't ask for a cup carrier because the drinks were the only thing keeping me warm. I returned and the hairstylist looked at me strange when I walked up to Kristen to give her the cup.

"I'm Kristen's assistant." When she wanted to know my ACTUAL name, I jokingly told her "You're only supposed to call me 'the assistant'", and I sat down with my tail between my legs. It was extra funny to me because in my humble opinion, the hairdresser didn't seem too witty and didn't even really get the joke.

An hour later, I decided I wanted an eyebrow wax as well. It was my first time and thankfully she was gentle. It was 2 1/2 hours total when we were finally done. After we tipped and left, I asked Kristen if it was normal for the waxer to be so close when waxing and plucking. Kristen, too, had the same experience that morning and admitted she wasn't sure if the waxer just wanted to wax or also make out. All in all, it was a great start to a wonderful, stress free Saturday.

More to come about our trip to the bar Saturday night. Blogger has been unbelievably cooperative when it comes to uploading pictures (Sarcasm Doesn't Convey).

Stolen

This is fun! Pick 5 or 6 words you would associate with me. Sorry, "bitch" and "whore" are not in the word bank (Kristen). You can make your own too! And you can steal this one as well, Dave.

Are You Sure You're A Feminist?

This will probably sound bad, horrible even, but sometimes I feel bad that Britain is female. Now, I realize Matt's sperm was the deciding factor in determining her sex and I really can't feel TOO responsible, but I do feel like she won't have as much opportunity. Am I wrong though? I know women can do ANYTHING a man can do. I am SURE my mother has done far more than most men could ever accomplish. But going through life as a woman...I believe there are certain advantages we, as women, just don't equally receive.

I'm not sure what it feels like to be a guy. I've never had a hard on in Social Studies. I've never been kicked in the nuts. I can hug anyone I want at any time without my sexuality being questioned (except those lingering, full body hugs I give to Kristen.) But I HAVE been called "Honey", "Sweetie" and "Sweetheart" (all today). I HAVE been second guessed on my athletic ability just for the simple fact that I have (small) breasts. And intellectually, I've been looked down by my own teachers in Math, Science, and Industrial Arts and been graded as such.

Awhile back, I saw a study on girls and boys being called on to answer questions in a classroom. More than 60% of the kids called on were male, and more females were raising their hands than male. By the end of the study (over the course of a month) less and less females continued to raise their hands and the ratio stayed about the same if not a little higher. The real kicker was that the teacher was female, herself.

It is not my intention to get into a Men Vs. Women debate. I realize we both have it rough. But I DO believe that Britain will be treated negatively just for the simple fact that she has ovaries.

A Little Frightening

Its a little scary how much these look like my 6 month old baby pictures. I realize now where she gets those cheeks.

Like The Old Days

Friday night, I went out with my friend Jillian for her 28th birthday. It was like old times back in high school because all we did was hang out in a restaurant/pub and then off to some midnight bowling. When Matt and I got to the pub an hour after Jillian and her crew should have been there, we thought they stood us up. There I was walking around looking for them in all three rooms with an adorable tulip plant and an ugly Happy Birthday balloon with a horse on it. Matt and I decided to sit and wait in the main room. I'm not really sure what we were waiting for since we were pretty sure they had left. Finally, one of them had to go to the bathroom and spotted us. I felt like an ass. They were there the whole time, just most of the people I would recognize had their backs to the door. We sort of melded in, sitting at a table off to the left of Jillian's newfound entourage. Our waitress sucked. I could have pissed my drinks quicker. But I don't think Matt left her a tip anyways.

Jillian and her friend Eric. One of them bought their shirt at the Gap, the other at Target. Can you guess which is more expensive?


The horse balloon with best friends from grade school: Tam, Mary and Jillian. Now I'm going to have to post some pictures of us when we were in 7th grade together (in a future post).



Then it was off to the bowling alley. It reminded us of 11th grade after prom.

Jillian and I, stylin'. We debated running off with the shoes since they were nicer than the ones we wore in.

She was a fan of the gutter.



This is Kevin, Jillian's baby daddy. He's always putting on this front, but he's actually a really nice guy.







Tam, 119 thank you very much!

And just like the end of senior prom night, we found out Jillian was pregnant.