Four Names I Love But Could Never Name My Child:
Paul
Rain
Mariah
Autumn
.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Hypocrite
Rachel has tagged me for a MEME, so I am trying to continue it every day until I'm done. One of them (Four Websites I Frequently Visit) I'd like to make up myself since I don't really frequent that many websites, and coming up with four websites I visit would be a little tricky. So here is mine:
Four Things I Said/Thought I'd Never Do, But Did Them Anyway
If any of you know me, then you know I am pretty stubborn. And I have done some weird and wild things and stuck to them just for the simple fact that I am that stubborn. I didn't swear for a whole year in high school just because swearing had become the thing to do. If you've read this website before, you realize just how fucking hard that was for me. I didn't go out clubbing until I was well into my twenties because that was what you were supposed to do when you turned 21. Although I love to dance and usually prefer to do that very thing whenever I go out now. But there are four major things that happened in my life that even my stubbornness couldn't control.
I Said I'd Never Drive
I've had a fear of driving almost all my teenage years as well as the first few years of my 20's. I was the typical backseat driver. I'd grip your dashboard and "Oh shit" handle so tight, there would be fingerprints. My heart would race. I'd be twitching and looking around every corner thinking every other car on the road was going to hit me. Don't get me wrong. I was concerned for YOUR safety too. "Watch out for that car!" Hell, sometimes I'd just shut my eyes until the ride was over. Because, I hated driving...Rephrase that, I hated passengering. And if you ever rode with me during those years, you probably still remember, scarred for life. You see, I've been in too many car accidents to count and many of them were before I even got behind the wheel. I seriously vowed never to get a license. But the time came in my job where I had to drive or find another place of employment. Payton needed to go to preschool and it was much too far to walk a 3 year old in 2 feet of snow. So at 21, I had my best friend Jeannette teach me to drive. It was then I had a revelation. I found it was so much better than sitting in the passenger seat without any control. I could slam on the breaks when I wanted. I could go the speed limit, or not. I could look at every intersection before going through. I felt so much safer knowing I could stop the car or speed up whenever I needed. It also helped that Jeannette was so patient and didn't really care what happened to her 10 year old car. I took the test and passed the first time. In all honesty, I believe I am a better driver because of my once apprehensive attitude. So much so that now I'm working on my road rage because I think I drive better than most. Yes, even you.
I Thought I'd Never Wear Pink
As long as I can remember, I've always loved blue...And I've always hated pink. Pink was everything I associated with frilly and girly and ditsy. You were obviously a giggling little moron if you wore pink. You had no athletic ability. You had perfect nails and a perfect blush application. And your knees never met with a tree branch. You needed a man to help you over a puddle or open a car door for you. If you wore pink, you had a boyfriend named Blaine and made your own dresses. Plus, being the only Ames girl, I was forced to wear pink at every holiday and special occasion. And then just earlier last year, I realized how nice a blond haired, fair skinned woman can look in light pink. Slowly, I started adding a bit to my wardrobe. I wouldn't say I wear pink everyday and I do still prefer blue. But I AM now known to rock pink every so often, while climbing a tree of course.
I Said I Would Never Buy A House
My parents moved us around a lot. I think I've lived in close to 20 different households. I just got to liking the carefree feeling of being able to pack up and make a new house a home. I would get antsy after about 2 years. But, when Matt and I started looking with a realtor, I think I was a little freaked out at first. It's not as if you HAVE to stay in a house you purchase, but it certainly is a bit more involved than breaking a lease. Although, it didn't take long to really enjoy the thought of living in one place for years. It always amazed me to go over to some one's house and see their baby footprints in the sidewalk or their growth charts in the closet. And I find I want that for Britain. I can't say I haven't been on Howard Hanna checking out houses online, but I think everyone does that. It's not as if we bought this house and intended on staying here for life. But we do have some home improvement plans next year to make it our own for at least a few more years.
I Thought I'd Never Get Pregnant
I'm sure you all know Britain was a surprise, but no one was surprised more than I was. I have always had problems in the womanly cycle department. I could never gauge when I would need a Tampax let alone when my own ovulation would occur. Even so, I tried to have a baby for over a year in my last relationship and never even got close to conceiving. Finally, I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with PCOS. Heartbroken, I slowly but surely got used to the fact that fate stepped in when I became a nanny because I probably wouldn't ever have any children of my own. Then, as soon as I met Matt, one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me happened. My body was the most regular it had ever been. You could have possibly even set a calendar by me. Although, I still believed it was just a strange way of my body finally releasing all those underdeveloped eggs and Matt and I weren't always careful for that simple fact. When I read that positive pregnancy test, after tens of negative pregnancy tests before it, I knew my own little miracle had occurred. Now, here she is!
Four Things I Said/Thought I'd Never Do, But Did Them Anyway
If any of you know me, then you know I am pretty stubborn. And I have done some weird and wild things and stuck to them just for the simple fact that I am that stubborn. I didn't swear for a whole year in high school just because swearing had become the thing to do. If you've read this website before, you realize just how fucking hard that was for me. I didn't go out clubbing until I was well into my twenties because that was what you were supposed to do when you turned 21. Although I love to dance and usually prefer to do that very thing whenever I go out now. But there are four major things that happened in my life that even my stubbornness couldn't control.
I Said I'd Never Drive
I've had a fear of driving almost all my teenage years as well as the first few years of my 20's. I was the typical backseat driver. I'd grip your dashboard and "Oh shit" handle so tight, there would be fingerprints. My heart would race. I'd be twitching and looking around every corner thinking every other car on the road was going to hit me. Don't get me wrong. I was concerned for YOUR safety too. "Watch out for that car!" Hell, sometimes I'd just shut my eyes until the ride was over. Because, I hated driving...Rephrase that, I hated passengering. And if you ever rode with me during those years, you probably still remember, scarred for life. You see, I've been in too many car accidents to count and many of them were before I even got behind the wheel. I seriously vowed never to get a license. But the time came in my job where I had to drive or find another place of employment. Payton needed to go to preschool and it was much too far to walk a 3 year old in 2 feet of snow. So at 21, I had my best friend Jeannette teach me to drive. It was then I had a revelation. I found it was so much better than sitting in the passenger seat without any control. I could slam on the breaks when I wanted. I could go the speed limit, or not. I could look at every intersection before going through. I felt so much safer knowing I could stop the car or speed up whenever I needed. It also helped that Jeannette was so patient and didn't really care what happened to her 10 year old car. I took the test and passed the first time. In all honesty, I believe I am a better driver because of my once apprehensive attitude. So much so that now I'm working on my road rage because I think I drive better than most. Yes, even you.
I Thought I'd Never Wear Pink
As long as I can remember, I've always loved blue...And I've always hated pink. Pink was everything I associated with frilly and girly and ditsy. You were obviously a giggling little moron if you wore pink. You had no athletic ability. You had perfect nails and a perfect blush application. And your knees never met with a tree branch. You needed a man to help you over a puddle or open a car door for you. If you wore pink, you had a boyfriend named Blaine and made your own dresses. Plus, being the only Ames girl, I was forced to wear pink at every holiday and special occasion. And then just earlier last year, I realized how nice a blond haired, fair skinned woman can look in light pink. Slowly, I started adding a bit to my wardrobe. I wouldn't say I wear pink everyday and I do still prefer blue. But I AM now known to rock pink every so often, while climbing a tree of course.
I Said I Would Never Buy A House
My parents moved us around a lot. I think I've lived in close to 20 different households. I just got to liking the carefree feeling of being able to pack up and make a new house a home. I would get antsy after about 2 years. But, when Matt and I started looking with a realtor, I think I was a little freaked out at first. It's not as if you HAVE to stay in a house you purchase, but it certainly is a bit more involved than breaking a lease. Although, it didn't take long to really enjoy the thought of living in one place for years. It always amazed me to go over to some one's house and see their baby footprints in the sidewalk or their growth charts in the closet. And I find I want that for Britain. I can't say I haven't been on Howard Hanna checking out houses online, but I think everyone does that. It's not as if we bought this house and intended on staying here for life. But we do have some home improvement plans next year to make it our own for at least a few more years.
I Thought I'd Never Get Pregnant
I'm sure you all know Britain was a surprise, but no one was surprised more than I was. I have always had problems in the womanly cycle department. I could never gauge when I would need a Tampax let alone when my own ovulation would occur. Even so, I tried to have a baby for over a year in my last relationship and never even got close to conceiving. Finally, I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with PCOS. Heartbroken, I slowly but surely got used to the fact that fate stepped in when I became a nanny because I probably wouldn't ever have any children of my own. Then, as soon as I met Matt, one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me happened. My body was the most regular it had ever been. You could have possibly even set a calendar by me. Although, I still believed it was just a strange way of my body finally releasing all those underdeveloped eggs and Matt and I weren't always careful for that simple fact. When I read that positive pregnancy test, after tens of negative pregnancy tests before it, I knew my own little miracle had occurred. Now, here she is!
This, among some other important events, is why I will always believe in fate and karma. All of these things that I said I would never do have shaped me to be the woman I am now. And I can't say I've ever been happier with my life than this very moment. It's so nice to finally come into my own.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Proof I DO Have Time To Clean My Kitchen
Thanks to Rachel, I'm doing this MEME. I don't even know how to pronounce that because I believe it's french, but I know it stems from imitation. Either way, it's something a lot of people do and that's usually not my thing. For example, I changed the spelling of my name four times in school because there were 5 other "Tammy"s in my grade. I went from Tami to Tammi to Tamie until I finally decided on Tame'. That little accent on the e was very important. It was actually one of those ~ over the e. So in high school my friends nicknamed me Tame, as in shy or quiet. It was much like naming the husky kid "Tiny".
On with the imitation of being like everyone else!
Four Jobs I've Had:
I have been at the same job for 11 years and I didn't start working until I was 17, so this was difficult.
Service Learning Volunteer:
Obviously, as a volunteer, I wasn't paid for this but it was still a responsibility. It was a school organization I was apart of where we'd volunteer our time and services. We sang carols at a Hills Department Store for Christmas and other random acts of kindness. But one thing that was constant was every week a group of us would go to a retirement home after school and visit the elderly. We were each paired up with a resident by our advisor. I LOVED my advisor and I think she really thought about it before she paired me off with Marie. Marie was this beautiful, articulate, knowledgeable woman who just happened to be blind. This meant that while all the other volunteers were making Christmas ornaments or playing bingo in the activity room, I got to go back and spend a whole hour, one on one, with Marie. I remember how special I felt when I would come in and she recognized my voice right away. She always seemed so happy to see me. She talked about her upbringing, her husband who had passed, her children and grandchildren. We became close right away. One thing I never got the courage to ask her was how (or when) she lost her sight. Honestly, most of the time I forgot she couldn't see me physically, because almost right off the bat I felt like she could see straight to my soul. The only regret I have is that after the program was over, I only returned once to see her. I promised I would stop in again, but I never did. That was over ten years ago.
Professional Ice Cream Scooper:
This job sucked and thankfully it was short lived. This was my first tax paying job and I dreaded going every day. It was at a Dairy Queen located in a truck stop. I was trained on a register for barely an hour and then I was told I was ready. The chick that trained me took an hour break and I was left to my own misery. I had no fucking clue what I was doing. PLU codes and the like were so foreign to me that I started giving away free food. When she finally got back, the look of disgust was the cherry on top, so to speak. Not only were my coworkers all clique-y and bitchy, but 95% of the customers were sweaty, horny, male truck drivers who studied every inch of me while I made their Blizzard. I am in no way saying all truck drivers are sweaty and/or horny...just the ones that came in for a cone around 10 pm asking me when I "got off". One of the most ridiculous things that happened was I was called on a big fuck up and was screamed at by the manager, alerted to by my co-workers. Only later did I realize that I hadn't even worked on the day in question. Thankfully (and yes, it was so much better than working there) I caught the worst case of poison oak a doctor had ever seen and decided to just not go back in after working there only a few months.
Assistant Group Supervisor at the YMCA:
Yes, this sounds wonderful, but all it really consisted of was mopping the floor, disinfecting toys and filling a quota of children to adults while the Group Supervisor barely acknowledged me except when she was out of coffee. Above all the shit I went through here, the way they treated the children was the worst thing and this is why I left. I will not go into details, but I will never work there again.
Mascot at the Local Fruit Farm:
This was one of the funnest jobs I've ever had! I was hired by Mason Farms for the month of October in '96. I was a tour guide during the week for all the schools who brought their children in to see the displays and I was the big pumpkin on the weekends. Towards the middle of this month, I applied for my current job as a nanny. Looking back, it's so funny how it all fell into place. The tour guides could pick any costume they wanted. I was a bunny. It was actually a Playboy bunny outfit that I whored down. When I wasn't doing tours in the morning, they let me work in the bakery icing cookies or wrapping baked goods. The owners were so generous and genuine. I didn't drive and my mother would pick me up after she was done working at 4:30 pm so they just let me stay after and work (including overtime). Everyone that I worked with was so nice. I had such a great time.
Well, those are my jobs. More to come soon. Brit is currently without pants and watching a DVR'd Dora for the fourth time. I'm feeling a bit guilty. Just a bit.
DISCLAIMER: For all intents and purposes, Brit has no pants on because I'm trying to potty train her and those damn Pull Ups do not work no matter what Proctor & Gamble says. And while Dora IS DVR'd, I was being sarcastic when I said it was the fourth time she has watched it today. In all actuality, Britain bores easily (especially when it comes to TV) and between laundry, my disgusting basement, changing the sheets, going over ABC's and the ongoing saga of trying to teach Britain to spell, this has taken me hours to complete.
On with the imitation of being like everyone else!
Four Jobs I've Had:
I have been at the same job for 11 years and I didn't start working until I was 17, so this was difficult.
Service Learning Volunteer:
Obviously, as a volunteer, I wasn't paid for this but it was still a responsibility. It was a school organization I was apart of where we'd volunteer our time and services. We sang carols at a Hills Department Store for Christmas and other random acts of kindness. But one thing that was constant was every week a group of us would go to a retirement home after school and visit the elderly. We were each paired up with a resident by our advisor. I LOVED my advisor and I think she really thought about it before she paired me off with Marie. Marie was this beautiful, articulate, knowledgeable woman who just happened to be blind. This meant that while all the other volunteers were making Christmas ornaments or playing bingo in the activity room, I got to go back and spend a whole hour, one on one, with Marie. I remember how special I felt when I would come in and she recognized my voice right away. She always seemed so happy to see me. She talked about her upbringing, her husband who had passed, her children and grandchildren. We became close right away. One thing I never got the courage to ask her was how (or when) she lost her sight. Honestly, most of the time I forgot she couldn't see me physically, because almost right off the bat I felt like she could see straight to my soul. The only regret I have is that after the program was over, I only returned once to see her. I promised I would stop in again, but I never did. That was over ten years ago.
Professional Ice Cream Scooper:
This job sucked and thankfully it was short lived. This was my first tax paying job and I dreaded going every day. It was at a Dairy Queen located in a truck stop. I was trained on a register for barely an hour and then I was told I was ready. The chick that trained me took an hour break and I was left to my own misery. I had no fucking clue what I was doing. PLU codes and the like were so foreign to me that I started giving away free food. When she finally got back, the look of disgust was the cherry on top, so to speak. Not only were my coworkers all clique-y and bitchy, but 95% of the customers were sweaty, horny, male truck drivers who studied every inch of me while I made their Blizzard. I am in no way saying all truck drivers are sweaty and/or horny...just the ones that came in for a cone around 10 pm asking me when I "got off". One of the most ridiculous things that happened was I was called on a big fuck up and was screamed at by the manager, alerted to by my co-workers. Only later did I realize that I hadn't even worked on the day in question. Thankfully (and yes, it was so much better than working there) I caught the worst case of poison oak a doctor had ever seen and decided to just not go back in after working there only a few months.
Assistant Group Supervisor at the YMCA:
Yes, this sounds wonderful, but all it really consisted of was mopping the floor, disinfecting toys and filling a quota of children to adults while the Group Supervisor barely acknowledged me except when she was out of coffee. Above all the shit I went through here, the way they treated the children was the worst thing and this is why I left. I will not go into details, but I will never work there again.
Mascot at the Local Fruit Farm:
This was one of the funnest jobs I've ever had! I was hired by Mason Farms for the month of October in '96. I was a tour guide during the week for all the schools who brought their children in to see the displays and I was the big pumpkin on the weekends. Towards the middle of this month, I applied for my current job as a nanny. Looking back, it's so funny how it all fell into place. The tour guides could pick any costume they wanted. I was a bunny. It was actually a Playboy bunny outfit that I whored down. When I wasn't doing tours in the morning, they let me work in the bakery icing cookies or wrapping baked goods. The owners were so generous and genuine. I didn't drive and my mother would pick me up after she was done working at 4:30 pm so they just let me stay after and work (including overtime). Everyone that I worked with was so nice. I had such a great time.
Well, those are my jobs. More to come soon. Brit is currently without pants and watching a DVR'd Dora for the fourth time. I'm feeling a bit guilty. Just a bit.
DISCLAIMER: For all intents and purposes, Brit has no pants on because I'm trying to potty train her and those damn Pull Ups do not work no matter what Proctor & Gamble says. And while Dora IS DVR'd, I was being sarcastic when I said it was the fourth time she has watched it today. In all actuality, Britain bores easily (especially when it comes to TV) and between laundry, my disgusting basement, changing the sheets, going over ABC's and the ongoing saga of trying to teach Britain to spell, this has taken me hours to complete.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Brit, I Am Your Father
So the truth comes out. Check out the new morph on on my My Space now now. My favorite part is where she has the moustache for a few seconds.
Monday, August 27, 2007
All I Want Is You
I didn't think it would feel differently after Matt and I "made it legal" but it does. I couldn't be happier with who I married. When we found out we were having Britain, I felt a twinge of resentment. I thought I really screwed up my redo with another white trash aspect of an already white trash filled life. 
But looking back, why would I want it any other way? 
Matt and I lived together, bought a house, had a baby, then we married. It wasn't for any other reason but because we couldn't bear to be without each other. And while others choose to marry before pregnancy (Matt's parents), while pregnant (my mom was in her second trimester with me when my parents married), after they have a baby (or babies) or they choose to never marry at all, it just depends on what is right for the two people it matters to most. And planning 
this wedding, that is what I had to remind myself. Being married to Matt, this is also what I remind myself. "Do what is best for each other." I wouldn't say I've sacrificed. I would only say I've realized what matters most to the both of us. It's a huge decision when you give yourself to someone else. And if it's truly right, it's not a hard one. You don't lose the best parts about you...they're only magnified to even better proportions. The tiny, little insignificant things 
that used to bother you are pale in comparison to how lucky you feel to finally have someone you love to wake up next to, love cooking dinner for, love writing emails to, love kissing in the kitchen. I'm finally through with feeling like I'm missing out on something.
I finally have what I've been looking for all along. Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Response Cards
The wedding/reception/after party was amazing! It was everything I thought it would be and even more. It was one of the happiest days of my life. There have been more elaborate weddings. There have been more famous weddings. But I look back on it and wouldn't change but a few things and I'm damn proud of the job Matt and I did.
Probably the biggest regret was that we could only invite a select few. It was difficult to "cut" some people I really wanted there. Even though people told me "invite who you want because 1/3 of the guests won't be able to make it", I invited close to the maximum amount of people we were allowed. It was a good thing too because we had a whopping 3 "can't make it"s.
So to those of you who expected an invite, it was about numbers and numbers only. Well, unless I can't stand you. But there is already a gypsy curse on you and not getting invited to my wedding is the least of your worries.
Probably the biggest regret was that we could only invite a select few. It was difficult to "cut" some people I really wanted there. Even though people told me "invite who you want because 1/3 of the guests won't be able to make it", I invited close to the maximum amount of people we were allowed. It was a good thing too because we had a whopping 3 "can't make it"s.
So to those of you who expected an invite, it was about numbers and numbers only. Well, unless I can't stand you. But there is already a gypsy curse on you and not getting invited to my wedding is the least of your worries.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Now Stop Bugging Me!
You'll have to wait for a real write up of the wedding. For now, this is all I have from my camera. ron will be ready with the pictures soon.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Blinders
And everything that hurts you
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
or other perfect things
Counting Crows
How do I feel? Ive been here before,
Ive felt this
Retreat to a place, a place within me
I need this. keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
Torture me like it used to
I try and try to break away from all the hate
Im feeling for everyone of you thats ever
Done me wrong. I need to justify the reasons
For the way Im living. I guess I cant cause
I dont feel like I deserve it
Staind
Its a different point of view to you
You cannot see things that are different to me
And I cant understand why you cannot see
Blink 182
Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air
Stomach hurts and I dont care
Alice In Chains
Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me.
Everyday, everyhour, wish that I was..
Was bullet proof
Radiohead
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much...
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
Alanis Morrissette
My Sugar Sweet Is So Attainable
This Behaviour So Unexplainable
The Days Just Slip And Slide
Like They Always Did
The Trouble Is My Head
Won't Let Me Forget
The Killers
Leaning over you here
cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
... My perfect enemy
A Perfect Circle
This isn't a matter of sides and you aren't crazy. This is a matter of the blind leading the blind. You're allowed to feel bothered and threatend and attacked. I'm not sure how you've kept it up this long, except that you're one of the stongest people I know. And I'm forever changed because you came into my life.
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
or other perfect things
Counting Crows
How do I feel? Ive been here before,
Ive felt this
Retreat to a place, a place within me
I need this. keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
Torture me like it used to
I try and try to break away from all the hate
Im feeling for everyone of you thats ever
Done me wrong. I need to justify the reasons
For the way Im living. I guess I cant cause
I dont feel like I deserve it
Staind
Its a different point of view to you
You cannot see things that are different to me
And I cant understand why you cannot see
Blink 182
Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air
Stomach hurts and I dont care
Alice In Chains
Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me.
Everyday, everyhour, wish that I was..
Was bullet proof
Radiohead
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much...
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
Alanis Morrissette
My Sugar Sweet Is So Attainable
This Behaviour So Unexplainable
The Days Just Slip And Slide
Like They Always Did
The Trouble Is My Head
Won't Let Me Forget
The Killers
Leaning over you here
cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
... My perfect enemy
A Perfect Circle
This isn't a matter of sides and you aren't crazy. This is a matter of the blind leading the blind. You're allowed to feel bothered and threatend and attacked. I'm not sure how you've kept it up this long, except that you're one of the stongest people I know. And I'm forever changed because you came into my life.
Friday, August 03, 2007
When I Was Just A Little Girl
We've been going through our pictures for a slideshow we're doing at the wedding. I found some pretty great ones.
This was Payton (now almost 11) when she was just a few months old.For all of you that think Britain looks anything like me, here are a few pictures of Matt as a baby to prove you wrong. 
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Switch It Up
I thought I would leave blogger but instead I just decided to switch up my template a little. And you can finally see my damn pictures. But can anyone help me get the Erie Blogger badge back in?
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