I've Been There

For Alli: Once upon a time, I was divorced.

April, 7 2004

RESIDUE

Why do I keep dreaming about him...Or thinking about him...Or wondering if and when I'll bump into him? I'm constantly aware when I drive by his work or see a car the same model and color. I have my own escape route planned out in case of fire. And in my head, I've thought up a thousand conversations between us if we do so happen to run into each other. They range from light hearted conversation to trading dirty curses in a very public place.

I can't believe its been over 6 months since we've spoken. When you live with someone for awhile, you get so used to their mannerisms, the way they like their coffee, the way they chew their food, the way they can't stop tapping their foot under the table shaking the floor beneath and bothering the shit out of you. Now, I havent the faintest idea if he liked cream or sugar. But sometimes, even if you separate on horrible terms, you miss the shaking floor.

In so many ways we fit really well. We hated and loved the same movies. We fancied the Fall and thunderstorms. We embarrased the hell out of each other for kicks. When we kissed, he used his tongue while I liked to take it in my mouth. We thought sports were best left indoors, undercovers. He knew I didnt even LIKE coffee.

But it's all through now. Those are all just memories that only hurt a little. Cliches like "it was for the best" and "time heals all wounds" come to mind. And the fact that the bad outweighed the good by a shitload helps too. I was truly unhappy, not myself and was living a fucking lie. I was miserable and didnt even know it. Although I'm happier than I've ever been, I had to sink so low to know what it really felt like to float.

But my hair continues to stand on end. I still feel like something wicked this way comes. The slow, scary music in the horror movie has started...and I'm just waiting for something to come out of nowhere, knife in hand. Why is it, even though you know it's coming, you still jump?



For Christie: Once upon a time, I was pregnant.

January 12, 2005

Congratulations...It's A Parasite!

I met my kid today! Matt and I went in for our first appointment. They took lots of blood and asked me a lot of questions. I originally thought I was well out of my 1st trimester at 16 weeks. But when we couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, I thought for sure something was wrong. I was so nervous. Matt and I waited in the lobby for the sonogram technician. Was it that night of Long Islands before I knew I was even pregnant? Was the cat's litter box to blame? Then with luck or good karma on my side, the sono tech was free and I got to see the baby for the first time. I was so scared they wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat again and that something was horribly wrong. But, then! As soon as I saw my little one I started crying, almost uncontrollably. The technician kept asking me if I was alright. I felt so foolish losing it like that but I was so glad to see it kicking and full of life. And every time I'd hear the heartbeat I would sniffle, my whole torso would shake, and I'd screw up the sonogram. I wanted to take the machine home with me. Matt was Mr. Cool and he just hung out on the sideline. I wanted to deliver right there. She said it was a healthy start and I was due July 30, 2005 which put me at about 11 weeks. I'm just glad it's still around, belly dancing inside me, taking all my nutrients. What an adorable little parasite.

Children's Area At Starbucks

Here we were last weekend having iced chai, hot chocolate and lower in sugar Fruit Loops at Panera Bread. We also sampled the Cinnamon Crunch Bagel...delicious. Still, my favorite is the Tomato Basil Bread. We had only a few dirty looks since we were outside. Afterall, why would anyone bring their child to a coffee house? (Thank you to my sister, Theresa for the picture. I've finally sent my own camera in to Sony for repairs.)

We're Getting The Band Back Together

So I had my 10 year reunion August 26.

Only about 35 classmates showed. I'm not sure if it was the $20/person that scared them away or the location (Jr's By The Bay). Although, half the people there were my best friends that I see on a regular basis; I'd call it more another night out with the ladies than a reunion. But I do wish more people had shown up.

The girls: from bottom left: Kimi, Tam, Jillian Top left: Shelly, Jeannette





Of course, that didn't stop me from getting hammered.

This is where it gets a little hazy.

WEST SIDE!

Bahhhston

I am exhausted! Matt, his mom, Brit and I all got back this morning at 6:30 am from Boston. We drove Thursday night all night to attend his cousin's wedding (it was beautiful, she was beautiful, the cosmopolitans were beautiful) and drove AGAIN through the night back home. Although it's pretty much just a straight shot, staying on I-90, it's a long and boring drive when all of your road trippers are snoring in unison. I stopped at a rest area one time just for some conversation. I learned how to bathe with hand soap.

My 10 Year Reunion post will be up sometime this week. Right now I have to unpack both the bags on my bed and the ones under my eyes.