For Alli: Once upon a time, I was divorced.
April, 7 2004
RESIDUE
Why do I keep dreaming about him...Or thinking about him...Or wondering if and when I'll bump into him? I'm constantly aware when I drive by his work or see a car the same model and color. I have my own escape route planned out in case of fire. And in my head, I've thought up a thousand conversations between us if we do so happen to run into each other. They range from light hearted conversation to trading dirty curses in a very public place.
I can't believe its been over 6 months since we've spoken. When you live with someone for awhile, you get so used to their mannerisms, the way they like their coffee, the way they chew their food, the way they can't stop tapping their foot under the table shaking the floor beneath and bothering the shit out of you. Now, I havent the faintest idea if he liked cream or sugar. But sometimes, even if you separate on horrible terms, you miss the shaking floor.
In so many ways we fit really well. We hated and loved the same movies. We fancied the Fall and thunderstorms. We embarrased the hell out of each other for kicks. When we kissed, he used his tongue while I liked to take it in my mouth. We thought sports were best left indoors, undercovers. He knew I didnt even LIKE coffee.
But it's all through now. Those are all just memories that only hurt a little. Cliches like "it was for the best" and "time heals all wounds" come to mind. And the fact that the bad outweighed the good by a shitload helps too. I was truly unhappy, not myself and was living a fucking lie. I was miserable and didnt even know it. Although I'm happier than I've ever been, I had to sink so low to know what it really felt like to float.
But my hair continues to stand on end. I still feel like something wicked this way comes. The slow, scary music in the horror movie has started...and I'm just waiting for something to come out of nowhere, knife in hand. Why is it, even though you know it's coming, you still jump?
For Christie: Once upon a time, I was pregnant.
January 12, 2005
Congratulations...It's A Parasite!
I met my kid today! Matt and I went in for our first appointment. They took lots of blood and asked me a lot of questions. I originally thought I was well out of my 1st trimester at 16 weeks. But when we couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, I thought for sure something was wrong. I was so nervous. Matt and I waited in the lobby for the sonogram technician. Was it that night of Long Islands before I knew I was even pregnant? Was the cat's litter box to blame? Then with luck or good karma on my side, the sono tech was free and I got to see the baby for the first time. I was so scared they wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat again and that something was horribly wrong. But, then! As soon as I saw my little one I started crying, almost uncontrollably. The technician kept asking me if I was alright. I felt so foolish losing it like that but I was so glad to see it kicking and full of life. And every time I'd hear the heartbeat I would sniffle, my whole torso would shake, and I'd screw up the sonogram. I wanted to take the machine home with me. Matt was Mr. Cool and he just hung out on the sideline. I wanted to deliver right there. She said it was a healthy start and I was due July 30, 2005 which put me at about 11 weeks. I'm just glad it's still around, belly dancing inside me, taking all my nutrients. What an adorable little parasite.
7 comments:
Sometimes I love you so much it shocks me.
That tongue kissing thing was gross.
kids are amazing... i can admit that i cried when my daughter was born. i wasn't "invited" to go to the pre-natal appointments, so i can't relate to what you've written, but i can imagine it's pretty emotional for the mother.
Tam, Its very scary but there's a big "ditto" on your entry from me
"Residue" made me tear up.
Very true.
Thank you too!
To Tam, whoever in the fuck you are: Maybe if you weren't an utter cunt, you might not have suffered Alli's fate. Hopefully your man is with someone who actually enjoys spending five minutes with him without that look of disgust on her face. Maybe your man got trapped into marrying you somehow, and was too fucked up at the time to realize what he was getting himself into. Maybe as he spent time with you after the shit hit the fan, he started to realize what a disgusting and miserable person he ended up with. I don't know him, but I'd lay 3-to-1 odds that once he got the fuck away from you for good and quit caring about what happened to you, a huge weight came off his shoulders and he's never felt so better about himself or his life.
To Alli: I told you I didn't want jack shit about me on one of these stupid ass blogs...on yours or on anyone else's, written now or in the past. I told you to tell your geek friends (come on now, a blog?, are you fucking serious...lol) to take anything down that concerned me whatsoever. If it's on the internet, I can read it.
To anyone else offended: I can give you directions to my house and we can discuss it in person...oh yeah, if you're not male, I'd bring about three with you...you'll need them. Don't believe me?..ask Alli how I smash heads.
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