Posting My Secrets

I have a secret blog, just for me. Because of Kristen's newest post, I've decided to reveal a little of it. Consider this my own Post Secret.

"I'm not trying to start a fight...because we've had quite a few of those lately...but to say that you hate sarcasm, I feel, was basically another way of saying you hate ME or rather hate who I am. I think there are a lot of things you say to intentionally hurt me. And you can go on and on, pretending that you are sincere and sensitive to everyone's needs, that you wouldn't say a bad thing about anybody but I've seen it. I've felt it."

"Why do you still blame me? Even more, why do you still have feelings for me?"

"I can't help but resent you sometimes. I could have done a lot more with my life. When asked if I'd do it all differently, I wouldn't. But sometimes I think I might be happier."

"I think you're blind. I think you might just fuck up again. I don't understand why you were there in the first place but it scares the shit out of me that you might go back again, and soon. And all I want is how it used to be, when I trusted everything about you. And I honestly fear you're not blind at all."

"You're the reason why I think about every morsel I put into my mouth. I've never had anyone make me feel as low as when you were around, judging me. And now YOU'RE heavier than I am. Why does this matter to you so much? Why does it matter to me? You were one of the worst influences in my life. Why do we still call each other 'friends'?"

"You know what, Bitch? You have nothing to worry about. I am in no way after what you have since, in my eyes, you have nothing."

"Why don't you return my text messages? Is your phone overdue again? You should make HIM pay the bill instead of paying everything for him. I can't stand the power he holds over you. What the fuck is so special about him? He's a ghetto kid with control issues. And why couldn't you pick out your OWN curtains? And why do you take his calls about curtains over mine about us?"

"No matter how many times I scream at you or tell you it isn't right, you continue to lie to my face...and about the stupidest shit!"

"It makes me so angry how fake you always are. Its like you have an injection of botox for any wrinkle in your life. I don't think I've told you one secret, one wish because its like talking to a wax figure. Do you really think we don't know, we can't SEE that you're just an orgasm waiting to happen."

"You take advantage of me, but I let you."

"You don't call me unless you want something from me. In fact the only conversations we've had, telephone or otherwise, have been about you."

"You've told me you worry about me but what I hear is that you don't trust me."

"I'm really sorry I was so horrible to her. I think about how many mistakes I've made with her, and even him, and I wonder why they still talk to me at all. Sometimes I think I'm going to make the same mistakes with you."

"If I never knew you, never met you, never looked your way I think you'd be better off."

Canadian's American Idol, Part Deux

I have a new crush: American Idol's Will Makar.

Yes, Kristen I realize he's 16. I don't care. If you can like 80 year olds than I can certainly like someone ten years younger. He has an adorable way about him and I love his voice. Plus anyone who resembles John Mayer or Adam Brody is alright in my book.
I don't think he's going to win or anything, but I'll be happy to watch him while he's on. And he's a good dancer...You know what THAT means!

Some of the more annoying contestants in my opinion are the pretty ones. Yes, they may have looks, but no personality. One is Ace. Two is Becky. I catch myself trying to fast forward when they are on live TV.

As far as who I like, I am pretty partial to Chris and Kellie because they have great background stories and seem very likable and deserving of the money that will surely roll in. I still have my Paris picked as top three. And as far as winner...I'm not sure yet. I have to see them all perform a few times before making such a prediction.

And can we all just have a moment of silence for the Brittnem twins? "My spirit has been broken."

Matt Feels Old

Today is Matt's 25th birthday. He feels old. HUH? I know I LOOK like a girl scout without her uniform, but I'm actually three years older than he and I'll ALWAYS be three years older. So, I'm wondering if A) he thinks I'm ancient and B) what can I do to make him feel younger?


I realize he's already a dad. He became one at 24, only a year after we met. I realize he went straight out of college, graduating early, to accepting his job as a Producer. A year later, he met me. I'm also well aware that shortly after meeting me, he spent 4 out of 7 nights over at my house..4 became 5, 5 became 6 and finally we just decided to start house hunting. I'm well aware he spent his savings on the down payment and a month after we moved in, we found out we were pregnant. Three weeks later, he proposed. Now we are in the process of parenthood, mortgage bills, and wedding plans.


*Tam stops to think

I guess I'd feel old too.

He IS the most mature 25 year old I've met. Ok, so sometimes I have to explain my jokes to him because, yes he is that serious. But it certainly balances out my immaturity...like how I think the word "poop" is still funny, or when I laugh at a homeless man (not every homeless man...just one guy in particular that Matt reprimanded me for later. Hey! Jr did it too!). He's a great father, a wonderful father. I couldn't ask for a better Baby Daddy. And he always has a level head about everything. And he never complains about my cooking or when my legs are hairy or when I leave my water bottles everywhere. There are some looks, but no complaints. And he's so kind and thoughtful. I'll say something one time and he'll surprise me with it months later. Example: He proposed to me in the balcony downtown in Perry Square on Christmas Eve with everything lit up around us. I told him months and months before that I thought it would be beautiful to get married there. I personally don't even remember saying it. He tried out a goatee for me. I'm not a huge fan of goatees or anything, but he had never grown one out and I thought it might be nice for a little change and for him to try something different. He likes to drive the same way to work. He doesn't like something sprung on him at the last minute. Because he likes predictability. That may sounds horrible, but I don't mean it as a character flaw. It was a blessing to my old life where everything was out of control and there was hardly any stability. I moved every few years to a different apartment. I even thought of moving to Portland, OR for a guy I didn't really know. I didn't have any real plans for anything. I once even said I would never own a house because I didn't want to be too tied down to anything. I'm not saying I changed for him. I took a year off from everything and realized I needed to change, at least a few things. And when Matt came in to my life, he tied up all my loose ends.

So, as far as Matt being old: maybe he is. Maybe wise beyond his years, even. But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Happy Birthday, Sweetness! And Happy Valentine's Day, too.

Top Ten Reasons To Fake A Heart Attack

#10 Finally, you get to live out some of those Florence Nightingale fantasies.

#9 You already used the "flat tire" excuse with your boss last week.

#8 Because "bed rest" entails all cable, all the time while food, pillows, footsies and fresh linens are brought to you with just a ring of a bell.

#7 FREE DRUGS (with some street value)!

#6 You wanted to become the favorite child again.

#5 Two Words: Light Duty

#4 Because its easier than faking whiplash.

#3 You can't afford a REAL vacation.

#2 Presents, Sponge Baths, Sympathy, and possibly Cash

And the #1 Reason To Fake A Heart Attack:

You always wanted to see if shaving all that hair off really DOES make it look bigger.

All kidding aside, you know we all love you Ray and are very concerned for your well being. Get well soon, please. Seriously, please! Kristen keeps calling ME because you're not there to talk to. She went on and on for a half hour about chew toys.

Love,
Tam Matt and Brit...

Actually Brit just thinks you're that Mexican that just shows up once in awhile but if she could comprehend the seriousness, she'd be rooting for you too.

And thankfully, Jesus is on your side.

Deep Thoughts By Tammy

Sometimes I feel bad for little David Porter. Because everyone knows the amount of pictures your parents post of you on the internet equals the amount they love you. DAVE!

Go Midnight Hue and Golden Rod...Or Whatever.

We went to an intimate Steeler's game last night at Matt's aunt and uncle's. Matt has been a huge Black and Gold fan since probably birth. Notice the seven layer tortilla pie I made. MMM, no really I did! That wasn't sarcasm. And it turned out awesome!



It just gave me an excuse for these pigtails.








Obviously, everyone was having a great time. To your right, you'll notice my cousin Steve and his girlfriend Amy, a giant Steeler's fan herself. Not that she's huge as a person. This chick is on Weight Watchers and had the most control I have ever seen in my life with her 30 low carb chips and water to ingest for the entire evening.

The gang...and Dave.










Pay less attention to Matt's uncle Dave and more attention to the woodstove in back that would have burnt my face off if I had been any closer.

Which explains why I let someone take a picture of Britain in just her onesie. If I could have stripped down to MY onesie, I would have!

"Knock, Knock." "Who's there?" "Flu" "Flu who?" "The flu your kid's more than likely going to get and you could have avoided because no one bothered to call and tell you Matt's younger cousin's were yacking all day"

Although, we aren't sure if little Sam had the flu or just a really bad hangover.

Cause Of Death: Cocoa Beans

Can you die from too much chocolate? What? NO, I didn't just eat a spoon full of Betty Crocker chocoalte fudge icing! I'm not talking about an allergic reaction or choking on an M&M. I mean, can your body shut down if there is too much chocolate in your system? If its possible, and you CAN, in fact, die from too much chocolate goodness, then today is my day.

I leave my dolphin collection to you, Kristen. I know you prefer unicorns, but it will have to do.

Matt, you can have my car. Its on its last leg, but good memories, huh? And my slippers. Unfortunately, I don't have a secret porn collection or anything but I do have a pile of hair behind the mirror from when I clean out my brush. And of course I leave you everything in the house as well, but you might have to fight a few people for Britain.