Not So Lighter Note

Christmas always makes me think about my Papa because he passed away around this time. I miss him. I miss he and my grandmother together. I miss the whole family getting together every year on Christmas day and visiting each house. Even though I lost him mentally so very long ago to Alzheimer's, when I lost him physically it was by far the most emotional I've ever been in my entire life. I thought my knees would buckle and my stomach would wretch. It took me so long to say my final goodbye. And when I did, I was an uncontrollable, sobbing mess. I'd never felt anything like that. Death makes you question so many things and you really are at it's mercy. Even though I knew it was coming, I wasn't ready by any means.

I still haven't seen his grave with his gravestone. It's not because I can't bear it or that I've stayed away since the funeral for any purpose other than I just haven't visited. It makes me feel really guilty and I hope to get up there someday, maybe with Britain. Sometimes I'm saddened when I hear my dad joking around with her because it's the way my Papa used to joke around with me. But I'm so glad I had the chance to know him and those are memories I'll keep my entire life.