I thought this mom thing would be soooo much easier. And as Christie would say (and Kristen would never say), I'm not fishing for compliments here. But, really, some days I feel like I'm failing.
I used to look down on those mothers in the grocery store in their sweatpants, with their hair all matted and yesterday's t-shirt marked up with juice and spit-up. Now I get it.
Now I understand how one fucking load of laundry can sit in the dryer for two days after it had sat in the washer for three, causing one to have to rewash said load of laundry.
I used to think it would be a breeze taking my child out with me to pick up a gallon of milk at the grocery store and a quick trip to the gas station to fill up. But, shit! This chick has to come EVERYWHERE with me. I just can't pop in to the gas station and pay the attendant when my credit card doesn't read at the pump, and leave her in the car. I have to wrap her up again in her snowsuit (because while it works wonders OUTSIDE of the car for the five minutes from the door to the vehicle, once INSIDE the car, she is screaming her lungs out dying of heatstroke), unbuckle her, run in, wait in line, try not to make eye contact with the other customers knowing I'll get the third degree on her stats (while this was so pleasant when she was born, it gets REALLY old, REALLY fast) and then have to deal with the screaming child once again when the guy in front of me in line wants 50 different lottery tickets as her temperature rises to an unhealthy degree and I'm feeling all her 15 pounds in my right shoulder blade. When I unzip her snowsuit a little, I'm tisked by "Myrtle" behind me who thinks the draft from the door will surely kill the poor child. Finally, I'm able to pay and by this time don't even remember what pump I was at or how much the total was. I finally get the hell out of there and realize I could have purchased the milk when I was inside instead of having to go to the grocery store.
So you see, marijuana doesn't kill brain cells: having children does.
12 comments:
Were you afraid I would beat you down? It was my big guns, wasn't it? Yes, I have unusually large forearms that scare away most people.
You're big guns fascinate me mor than anything and I tighten every lid in the apartment before you come over just so I can watch you at work. Why don't you get her a doggy purse
to live in. You just slap it over your shouldar and can carry her anywhere. Ray actually took the dogs to the bar once like that. You could go to the bars again! And until she can crawl or stand, she won't be able to force her head through the top of the purse, but when she does, it will look adorable.
Brian...most Tammy's I know ride around with their babies in the back of their truck without a cap on it. So, thanks, I guess?
Kristen, I almost died because I inhaled my cereal while laughing when I saw your photoshopped picture. So, thanks, I guess?
But I'm sorry. I would NEVER wear those pink velour pants (again).
Well if that's what you were braodly asking me about for my birthday, I would totally wear those pink velour pants until Ray yelled at me and wouldn't even let me wear them to the grocery on Sunday. I inhaled a piece of dry stuffin yesterday so I feel your pain.
Damn! Now I have to go get velour pants instead of what I was going to get you. Your loss.
Coffee through your nose burns a little bit, although the french vanilla creamer was a bit refreshing. You absolutely amaze me with your skill, Kristen.
Tame- you don't pass off the kid enough. You can send the kid to the sitter or have the sitter over even though you're not "working" just to give yourself some alone time or to go shopping or whatnot...it's not a capitol crime. Shit, my kid was almost 13 and I passed his ass off for good. (I'm laughing on the inside)
Hee -- this is so true. I'd rather tote her around than pass her off though ;)
It made me think though of those covers for over the car seat. You can unzip them when your kid's in the car and zip them when you're outside (there's a hole for the head). Land's End makes one and I think Babies R Us has them in stock.
Yes, very good idea! My brother and sister-in-law had two sets of twins two years apart and that's what we used. We used to call them the buckets (the kids in the car seats with their coozie covers) because that's what it felt like carrying around these two seats with handles all bundled up. Ya, we're strange folk.
i would just get a carpool lane mannequin that turns its head and blinks animatronically at random intervals to put in the front seat of the car. who really looks at strangers in a parked car at the fuel pump? i mean,it looks like a real person that's keeping an eye on the kid, obviously she's under supervision. that way you can just lock the door, run into the gas station, beat up the lotto guy, and put two slugs into the back of myrtle's head, and sign for your gas and milk purchase before myrtle's condescending body hits the salty tile floor.
If you are going to put 2 slugs in the back of Myrtle's head I do not recommend signing your credit card receipt.
But about the baby, I know what you mean. I often thought, I'll only be gone a few minutes why can't he stay home alone? It's not like he can climb out of his crib. Plus the dog is here if anything goes wrong. I kid.
Even more upsetting is you'd think I'd be used to this after 9 years with the girls, but I went from thinking I'd want at LEAST two children to thinking I'll perform the vasectomy on Matt myself.
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