Affirmation

Recently, I've had a few doubts about myself.

First off, I've been feeling really guilty about the nanny I've become. Adding Britain to the equation seems to have made things even more complicated. As if I weren't spreading myself thin before, now I have a baby to tend to while trying to shape the lives of five other girls. Sometimes, I go home and feel like I haven't done a damn thing and feeling horrible about being the snack nazi I am.

Another self-involvement: the kind of friend people do or do not think I am. If I really had to think about it, would I want to be my friend? Do I treat people that way I'd want to be treated? Am I accepting enough? Am I there for them when they need me? Do I call enough? Do they realize how much they mean to me even when I don't say it? Do I need the friendship of people who have drifted far and away? Did I make the right decisions when cutting off the ties of people I thought were only harmful?

And finally, could I possibly be the mother I've never wanted to be? Sometimes Britain's shrill scream from the other room makes me wonder if hot pokers would feel better in my ears. I resent her. I roll my eyes at her. I push her away. I think about locking myself in the bathroom. I've yelled and lost my patience (not violently, thankfully). I've had headaches. I've had nightmares. I've cried (a little). But there's love there. I'm sure of that. There's something there I've never felt before for anyone. And I understand the whole "mother pulling the car off her child" thing. A few weeks ago, I thought I heard heavy breathing in her monitor. I stormed into her room with a knife. If she were a little older, she would have been traumatized for life. But fortunately, she and I were the only one in the room. She gave me the same morning smile she always does and only wondered a little what the hell that shiny thing in my hand was. Turns out, heavy breathing and Matt pulling the shower curtain aside sound a lot alike through a baby monitor. I'd die for her; I'm sure of it. But she still annoys me a little.

One thing I'm pretty sure of. Matt's damn lucky.