Why do I always attract the crazy strangers? Half of the reason is because Britain's usually with me, either in her carseat in a cart in front of me or she's attached to various body parts of mine. The other half is I just don't know how to get away from these people once they have their crazy clutches on me. This morning at Giant Eagle, while picking up salad ingredients, a looney old lady spotted me in one of the first few aisles. She had wild, shoulder length, grey curly hair and really big eyes...CRAZY eyes! Her eyeliner was smudged and at least a week old and her lipstick was possibly named putrid pink. I immediately put a protective hand on Brit.
"This must be a little one." One would think it was obvious Britain is still little considering she's in an infant seat and still has no hair, but when you're off your meds...
"Yes, she's three months." I made sure to put the emphasis on SHE to save further questioning or calling her "he".
Britain immediately begins to get freaked out by this woman (who had only 4 things in her cart, 3 cans of soup and a roll of film...to feed her kidnapee while she took pictures?) and she started to fuss. This endearing woman who will now be playing the part of "Myrtle" reached over and tried shoving Brit's binky in her mouth. First of all, please don't touch my child or anything my child puts in her mouth. Second of all, your psychiatrist called and she wants to be let out of your basement. I sweetly but firmly informed Myrtle that Britain is not one for the binky unless she's really hungry or tired...not because you are scaring the shit out of her with your deathray stare, and took the binky into my own hands. I later shoved it way down in the diaper bag to burn later.
She then gives me a once over asks straight out "How old are you?" I DO get this question a lot, mostly in bars, movie theaters or from my clients on Friday nights.
"I'm 27. I realize I look younger"...and approachable to mentally ill, psych ward escapees.
"Well, how old do you think I am?" Myrtle has a tooth missing on the bottom and one almost rotting off on the top.
While my ice cream is melting as well as my patience: "Um 39!?"
"I'm 66!", which amazingly is the same amount of pills she is prescribed to take each day. "My mother was the same way. And now, so is my daughter. It only runs in the female side, you know?" Mrytle, PhD then proceeded to tell me her life story. I inch my cart along the aisle as she follows. I pretend to have a shopping list on a piece of paper I have and I'm trying to give her the hint that the small talk has now crossed the line over to a creepy conversation about her mother in law and dead birds. An elderly couple a few cereal boxes down gives me a pity look. I mouth "HELP" but they do not. FINALLY she has finished with her tale and starts heading in the other direction. I'm so out of there.
Until the paper products aisle.
I was looking for a tall kleenex box to fit in a tissue holder I just got and she snuck up on me. "She really IS adorable" she said while looking at Britain with an I-could-probably-starve-her-only-a-few-days-before-she-became-too-weak-to-react-to-my-torturing look. Then, as only delirious people would, she asked me if I knew where the ramen noodles were. Why in the hell would you be looking for ramen noodles in the paper products aisle? I told her WAAAYY over there in the soup aisle, far far away from my child and myself. She then started in on another story and I cut her off after only a few sentences with "Wow, I better check out! I'll be late for work!"
"Where do you work?"
"Have a nice day," I said over my shoulder as I was literally racing to pick up the last few items and taking a mental picture of Myrtle for the police.
8 comments:
That shit is too good. I've tried to explain to the Macauley's and Ray that I get hit on a lot while taking public transportation, but only by the homeless and mentally ill. Ray gets hit on at the grocery store but only by strange men who want to talk about being Filipino - even if they aren't.
Cmon, not hit on ONCE from the bus driver? There is always some guy walking down your street when I go to get something out of my car while Im visiting you. He always has the same old "how you doin?" line. "Fucking FANTASTIC now that I have this new bottle of mace!" But I've never been asked for my DVDs like Brian. Or to flash my tits like Amy. But with a pair like her's, who can blame them? And I believe you about Ray. He's a strange man MAGNET!
I tried to imagine which Giant Eagle this might be but since I've had a similar encounter in every "Jant Iggle" in Erie, I can't imagine. My guess is Harborcreek; it's the weirdest.
Do you remember when I told you about the first time Monica had me meet Kaitlyn at that Burger King? That crazy old lady tried to pick Kaitlyn up and hold her. I thought Monica was going to slap the dentures out of that old hag.
I thought we resolved this in court, Brian. 50 yards away.
Eden...it WAS Harborcreek!
Jr...Monica IS a little protective at times. Im surprised she didnt pull out her knife.
I cut you, `ese.
That was a great story...
But if you must know... my aunt "Myrtle" (As you call her) was just being nice, that's the way she is. She may come off as a psychopathic-over the counter drug taking-child stealing-dirty rotten-glue sniffing pest of person, but deep down... she's a great aunt...and she forgets where roman noodles are on occasions... what are ya' gonna do?
If you are still upset because I almost ran you and your family over with my car… then I’m sorry, but please don’t drag my poor old Aunt “Myrtle” into this… she just old!
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