Before I write this, I'd just like to say how happy I am right now. There has NEVER been a better time of my life. In fact, I didn't even know true happiness until Matt. I couldn't even comprehend what it felt like to love and be loved. And for the first time, I love myself. That being typed, I'm not sure if you'd call it the romantic or the pessimist in me, but I always wondered what it would be like if Matt and I split up, but got back together a year or two later. I haven't had this thought in a really long time (not since before I was pregnant) but its popped up recently. Contrary to what most would think, I don't WANT to break it off with him. The same could be said about a one night stand: I would never want to have one, but I'm in awe of people who have and I wonder what its like to wake up next to someone and not know what their favorite breakfast cereal is. I guess I'm just a little jealous of those couples that are always breaking up and getting back together. I want to know what that feels like to pine for someone, need that person again, realize what you had and how you really fucked it up. And the makeup sex must be amazing. I once had this dream (pre-Brit) that Matt and I were both on separate dates at the same restaurant. When he and I saw each other, it was so intense. You know how in dreams, you just know the facts? Well it had been a few years since we had even laid eyes on each other after an icy break up. I don't know what our dates looked like. I don't know which restaurant we were at. I just remember we sat down, the other people magically disappeared, and we were staring at each other from across a table. When the waiter came over, Matt took my hand and told me, "we are ordering everything off the menu until we figure this out". It sounded cool in the dream...Maybe a little hokey in real life. I've just always secretly wanted to know that torturous feeling of being without him, cold and rainy days included. Then suddenly seeing him again and talking all night over coffee...having him back in my life, making everything complete.
6 comments:
I totally get this. Of course I mostly think about what if Ray died and I had to come to terms with loving another man. Or just falling for another guy while with Ray. I thinks thats part of the reason I'm exploring the idea of loving two men in my story. It's that angst, that feeling where your stomach drops and then tightens up again and it hurts and it feels good.
And can I just say that is a great picture of you two. I think that your fae has matured so much. It's weird because I've known you fo so long but see you so rarely, I don't always notice the changes, but you don't look like a kid in that picture, you look like a woman and its kind of scary, but its beautiful too. And you look great in red!
Wow! Thanks so much. The funny thing is that picture is from over a year ago! I think it just depends how I have my hair. Or maybe its the earrings. It has been a very long time since we've really hung out. That sucks.
Well you're the one who got knocked up!
I blame Trojan's .01 percent chance. Or vodka.
I blame Matt's big (censored)(bleep)(censored)!
Post a Comment