Past Few Months In Pictures 03

Put In Bay, Port Clinton and Sundusky

.............................................FIRST rule of Fight Club

........................................................Owner Joe Sortino...Dude rocked!

............................................................................ Can you spot the two non-Canadians?

Fall From Flawless

Though there were magical times, my first marriage wasn't all daisies and dancing in parking lots. After it was over there were a lot of things I needed to face up to including my anxiety, my need to control, my self loathing and my fear of failure. By no means have I conquered those demons but it was a huge step in the right direction even to admit my problems and stop blaming everyone/everything else. It was the scariest and most freeing thing I've ever done at the same time. This was years ago and feels even longer. But lately, I feel like I'm turning into that monster. It's horrible to see yourself in such a dark light and even more horrible when others start to notice as well. And I just have to start reminding myself that some of the things I say or do are NOT OK, namely before I say or do them. I guess we all should.

The Old Tam

So we meet again though now you have festered
Crept up on me and I should have known
you'd revisit and pivot and grow oh so stronger
Was foolish to think I'd rid you on my own

Invasive, intrusive, reminded, blindsided
Reflective of mirrors I'd thought broken down
The same but quite different than first we collided
Recollections of habits and horrible sound

Funny how close you've always been standing
Burning down bridges and severing ties
The smell of your fear and issues repugnant
Resembling passages from Jekyll and Hyde

Where were you hiding and why don't you leave
Who the fuck gave you permission to breathe
Feeling secure I was led to believe
I could let down my guard and sanction esteem

I fear they will see you've returned and abandon
Everything I've built up from the ground
I feel like you're spreading beyond restoration
and no medication will deafen the sound

That sound that you hear
while with your own thoughts
or just before drifting
off into the night
That rap at your window
that voice you can't quiet
the one you don't talk about
and would much rather slight

I feel I'm transparent now showing my dark side
I feel it's an utter unstoppable force
Downward spiral can't describe the short fall from flawless
Was just silly to think I deserved so much more

Kid Free Vacation

I'm leaving tomorrow for a much needed vacation to Cedar Point/Put In Bay with my sister in law, Monica. (Really, what vacation isn't much needed?) So, if I don't answer your phone calls, emails, comments or texts I'm on a jet ski or a 120 mile an hour roller coaster or dead. Check back in with me Friday to clear up the latter.

Monica and I get along pretty well. First of all, I don't really know who she doesn't get along with or who doesn't like her. (The same can be said for Matt.) She's just a cool chick that doesn't let stereotypes or judgements get in the way of getting to know someone. She doesn't trash other women's outfits when we go out just because they wore something a little out of the ordinary, or because they might be a bit chubby. And if she has a strong opinion about something, it's usually pretty damn warranted. We like to do the same things, go the same places and eat the same shit. Of course, there are differences too, but we both except each other for who we are. She joked with me a few months ago that we should probably just get pissed at each other and have our first fight now so it doesn't happen on the trip and ruin the whole thing. I don't know if I could be mad at her if I tried. Jr's pretty lucky. She's even changed him into a better man. This is when the family realized she's definitely a keeper and obviously a genie. And she gets my sarcasm and doesn't second guess every tiny thing I say. If she and I went out and didn't say two words to each other for awhile, she wouldn't assume she did something wrong. That is damn refreshing that we can just chill out somewhere. It's probably because we always have someone or something needing our attention. It's true that having Britain was one of the most rewarding and exceptional things I've ever done. But, especially in my line of work, kids can be a bit wearing.

Even though I warned Matt almost a year ago that she and I would be going away, I think it's finally sinking in this week because he has been SOOO grumpy. Of course this also has to do with the fact that his employer just makes up random shifts for him however they see fit and his sleeping pattern is fucked. On top of that, we haven't been away from each other this long since...well, ever. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, or at least he'll realize how much shit I do around the house and how being with Britain 24/7 is kind of a big deal. Sorry but I don't feel the least bit guilty. I deserve this. I need this. OK, I feel a bit guilty.

And no I haven't packed yet.

I wouldn't call myself a procrastinator, but I DO wait on certain things. One of them is packing or getting ready for something I am really looking forward to doing. When Matt and I went out for the first time, he picked me up and I had been ready for at least a half an hour (not because he was late, but because I was ready way too early). It was EXCRUCIATING! I was constantly checking the mirror, the door, my phone, the channel guide. It felt like an eternity. And my nerves were shot by the time he rang the bell. I need a great sleep tonight since I plan to leave so early. So, really my goal is to be so exhausted from rushing around and packing that I'll fall asleep right next to my luggage, a backwards "Samsonite" tattooed on my face in the morning.
Just know I love you, Babe, and I'll miss you and Brit immensely...for different reasons, of course.

The Good The Bad And The Married

Monday was our first wedding anniversary. Thank you to the three people that gave me congratulations-on-making-it-one-year-and-thanks-for-making-me-lose-the-pool cards. It was spent uneventfully at a free dinner buffet. We are headed off to Pittsburgh this Friday to celebrate. We're still in love most times but damn it, this year was a roller coaster.

We couldn't celebrate this past weekend of course because it was my cousin Mike's wedding! And I was in it. And our groomsman Jeremy also decided to get married the same day. So we were a busy couple for other reasons.

BACHELORETTE PARTY (bridesmaids and bride, excluding the maid of honor)

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.Bridesmaids, bride, maid of honor and a doll in a stroller, excluding me.

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.Mike and 'Chelle's wedding was nice (Matt said Jeremy's wedding was nice as well since he actually traveled to both) and I can't believe it's said and done already. But I thought this morning about a list I started to compile in my head, of which I'm sure really has no end, about the good and bad of weddings. Not to say that some of these things didn't happen over the weekend in the wedding, but most of these things are just generally speaking (typing). And it breaks up the pictures.

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GOOD

the moment the bride walks down the aisle, open bar, "Shout", the groom right before the ceremony, bachelorette party, chocolate fountains, kids (in the beginning), old people shaking their groove thang, after parties, under 1/2 hour ceremonies, best man speeches that embarrass the groom, being one of the first few tables to eat, pregnant bridesmaids, the kiss, extending the reception, and ex watching you all night, gag photos of the bridal party, Sunday brunch, decorating the car, cake smash, good music/good DJ, wearing a great dress/suit, crashers that are more fun than the actual guests, love revisited, straight from the wedding to the reception (especially if everything is all in one place), group pics, seeing family or friends you actually want to see but don't get to see that often, getting dressed up and it's not a funeral

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BAD

weak crowds that never get up and dance or partake in cheesy traditions like hitting the champagne glasses so the bride and groom will kiss, "cha cha" slide or any other lame song where there is line dancing, open bar, morning AFTER the bachelorette party, maid of honorzillas, a long first dance where no one knows the song, not eating the entire day until dinner is served, kids (at the end), hook ups, uncomfortable receiving lines, short receptions, long ceremonies with too many songs/ readings, horrible favors that even the wedding party doesn't understand, being the drunkest asshole on the dance floor, being the most sober, being called out by the priest for naughty/staged pictures, no maid of honor speech, the mic gets passed around the room for random people speeches, food on your outfit, unairconditioned rooms, no one going for the bouquet/garter, going alone, seating chart/name tags, bride or groom fainting/throwing up/drunk/hungover during the ceremony, an ex watching his or her new flame all night, groomsmen that don't smile ONE TIME, boring garter grab, visibly pregnant brides, falling over/on/for someone, getting hit on by a relative, being broke afterwards, shitty pair of shoes that leave a permanent scar, crashers, horrible song requests, bride and groom leaving before it's over (I always HATED that), that its only one to two days

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I'm sorry but my Dad totally rocked that yellow shirt!

I Give It....Forever

This is my cousin Mike and his fiance 'Chelle. They are getting married next Saturday and they were smart enough to ask me to be in the wedding. I thought Mike was the nicest person I had ever known until I met 'Chelle. We had her shower today at my Aunt Marge's. I totally rocked at the games. Suck it!My soon to be cousin, 'Chelle
Totally white trash! She fits in great!

My sister, Theresa, and the chicken she got to take home.

One of the best things about being a bridesmaid in their wedding is that 'Chelle found a dress at Ann Taylor and shoes at Chadwick's for us ladies for only $61 dollars...TOTAL. And she's treating US to a spa day this Thursday. I felt really guilty when I heard she was shelling out all that cash on us so I went ahead and bought her two naughty nighties.

It should be a mighty fine time.