This is from a very jaded Valentine's Day many miles ago. I met Matt 9 months later.
FEBRUARY 14, 2003
I'M THAT GIRL THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO BRING HOME TO THEIR MOTHERS BUT AT THE SAME TIME THE GIRL THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE HANG AROUND FOR TOO LONG. NORMAL IS BORING AND I AM TOO NORMAL FOR ANYONE'S TASTE. ALTHOUGH I'M ONE OF THE BABIES OF MY FAMILY, I NEVER REALLY WAS ONE. IT SEEMS I DO THE RIGHT THING EVERY TIME. EVEN IF I DO SOMETHING MODERATELY WRONG, I'VE THOUGHT IT THROUGH. AND I GET LETTERS FROM GUYS WHO'VE FELT SOMETHING FOR ME THAT USUALLY READS LIKE THIS: "YOU ARE A GREAT GIRL; YOU WERE PERFECT FOR ME; I JUST DON'T DESERVE YOU; I JUST NEED TO GROW UP; I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I HAD UNTIL I LOST YOU; I'M JUST FUCKED UP" SO I ATTRACT THESE IMMATURE, UNFOCUSED AND OBLIVIOUS GUYS WHO DON'T EVER APPRECIATE OR NOTICE ME AND WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER. HOW CAN I STOP THIS PATTERN WHEN I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO ESTABLISHED AND STRUCTURED MEN? THIS IS THE MYSTERY. THIS IS WHAT I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER FIGURE OUT. AND THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON I'LL END UP WANDERING TILL I'M VERY OLD AND GREY…WANDERING FOR THAT GUY WHO WILL SEND ME A SURPRISE CARD OR MAKE ME A CD OF SONGS THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO BOTH OF US. SOMEONE WHO'LL LEAVE AN "I LOVE YOU BECAUSE..." NOTE ON MY WINDSHIELD OR TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL WHEN I'M HANGING OUT IN WORKOUT PANTS AND MY HAIR'S EVERYWHERE. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A GUY WHO WOULD/COULD LIFT ME UP WHEN I NEEDED IT, WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK FIRST. I WANT A GUY WHO WRITES MORE EMAILS TO ME THAN I WRITE TO HIM. I NEED A MAN WHO WANTS TO TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER BECAUSE I DESERVE A NIGHT OUT, AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL HIM WHERE OR WHEN. THE MOST ATTRACTIVE THING ABOUT MY IDEAL MAN IS HIS WIT AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE ME LAUGH. I HAVE FOUND THESE THINGS IN A COLLECTION OF MEN, BUT NEVER IN JUST ONE MAN. I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE I MIGHT NEVER FIND HIM. AND I'VE DONE THE "CHANGE FOR HIM" THING. I'VE DONE THE "SETTLE" THING. AND I'VE DONE THE "TAKE ME AS I AM" THING. NOTHING HAS SEEMED TO WORK OR EVEN GONE WELL. BUT MAYBE I'M NAIVE IN THINKING IT SHOULD BE SO EASY, SO NORMAL. AFTERALL, NORMAL IS BORING.
3 comments:
if it makes you feel any better tam, i didn't know what i had until i lost you. you sure you gotta go get married? ;)
but seriously, aren't making mix tapes (cds) for chicks out? i thought the cool thing to do was hold a boombox over your head while standing next to your car in front of the girl's house.
That's interesting. I was feeling the same way at the same time as you, and I met Jon nearly around the same time you met Matt (maybe a month or two after you). And we got engaged the same exact day. Haha. I just beat you to the altar.
Normal is boring. But, it's like the "new" boring, so it's ok.
And, I still love when Jeremy makes a mix CD for me. Even when I request most of the songs, he will add a few of his own in there for flavor.
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