Though there were magical times, my first marriage wasn't all daisies and dancing in parking lots. After it was over there were a lot of things I needed to face up to including my anxiety, my need to control, my self loathing and my fear of failure. By no means have I conquered those demons but it was a huge step in the right direction even to admit my problems and stop blaming everyone/everything else. It was the scariest and most freeing thing I've ever done at the same time. This was years ago and feels even longer. But lately, I feel like I'm turning into that monster. It's horrible to see yourself in such a dark light and even more horrible when others start to notice as well. And I just have to start reminding myself that some of the things I say or do are NOT OK, namely before I say or do them. I guess we all should.
The Old Tam
So we meet again though now you have festered
Crept up on me and I should have known
you'd revisit and pivot and grow oh so stronger
Was foolish to think I'd rid you on my own
Invasive, intrusive, reminded, blindsided
Reflective of mirrors I'd thought broken down
The same but quite different than first we collided
Recollections of habits and horrible sound
Funny how close you've always been standing
Burning down bridges and severing ties
The smell of your fear and issues repugnant
Resembling passages from Jekyll and Hyde
Where were you hiding and why don't you leave
Who the fuck gave you permission to breathe
Feeling secure I was led to believe
I could let down my guard and sanction esteem
I fear they will see you've returned and abandon
Everything I've built up from the ground
I feel like you're spreading beyond restoration
and no medication will deafen the sound
That sound that you hear
while with your own thoughts
or just before drifting
off into the night
That rap at your window
that voice you can't quiet
the one you don't talk about
and would much rather slight
I feel I'm transparent now showing my dark side
I feel it's an utter unstoppable force
Downward spiral can't describe the short fall from flawless
Was just silly to think I deserved so much more
